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 | School
entry by engel
4/23/2010 12:27 AM
| ok, first and foremost. If anyone reads this, please dont tell anyone. this is my only place to vent, and id like to keep it that way.
ive been wrestling with the thought of going back to school for a while now. im still angry, im bitter, im pissed, im alot of emotions all rolled into this tiny body.
AS I sit here crying, because the creature that only comes out once a month is back again, im thinking alot of things. What happens if John gets accepted, and I dont? What happens if i get accepted, and he doesnt? what if neither of us get accepted? What happens if this turns into the worst mistake ive ever made, like last time? What If i sleep around again, loose all my friends, drink too much, take too many drugs, and lose all the self respect i had? (that was a long question.)what happens if i fail out again? what if the teacher hates me again? what happens if i make an ass out of myself again?
this is what i want to do, truly. but im so afraid of the what ifs, and i cant take getting rejected again, OR getting so beaten down by someone who doesnt know what they are doing, no support from my family, and all the wrong advice. $24,000+ a semester is a expensive fuck up.
I can't keep living like this. I want to for just once in my life before i leave this earth, be able to say i am successful at something. be able to say, fuck yes I can be as smart as the people who dont have ADHD, and dont have to have special accomidations.
I'm scared. I'm terrified that its going to be like last time, where the teacher hates every freshman that walks through the door, and im scared i wont be able to keep my mouth shut.
(if any one reading this has made it this far, if you want to PM me with any advice, that would help me some.)
If we go back to school, it will get us out of this damn state. we can study together, we might be able to get off campus, or on campus housing. im so scared that the things that happened last time are going to happen again.
If we move, in my spare time I can also work on modeling and photography. thats been put on the back burner, because I am so scared of doing things. im a mess. I need help for whats in my head.
engel.
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