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| I am stupid. entry by The Hitman's Daughter 8/25/2004 4:15 AM
| If i could just focus on one thing, my life would be so much better. Do you ever feel so completely inadequate in everything you do, that you wonder why you even bother trying to do anything? That's the way I feel, all the time. I feel like nothing I ever do will amount to anything because I will never be very good at anything I do. I like to paint, play guitar and drums, take pictures and photograph abandoned places, create websites, draw, write stories... but I am completely self-taught in every single one of these activities. I could never tell you the technical terms for everything that I do, which in turn makes me feel inferior and uncomfortable around professionally educated artists, musicians, and photographers. People email me after looking at my web site, and ask me what art school I went to, to which I respond "None", I never had the money to afford such a luxury. Even now, with UE, I feel inadequate. Exploring abandoned buildings has been something I've loved doing since I was a child, and I was ecstatic to find an entire community of people who enjoyed doing it too. But now I just feel as though I don't measure up. My pictures aren't that great, or my database entries suck ass, or I couldn't make it to OPEX (or any of the other half-dozen spin-offs going on lately) so I'm not a part of any elite group of explorers with little stars in their profiles, or I don't know as much about cameras and photography as other people... Seems like the more I'm around it, the stupider I feel, when it should really be the other way around. I have a painfully short attention span that has been my curse since the day I was born. I can never keep focused on one thing, one activity. If my interests weren't so spread out, maybe I would be able to focus on one specific thing and get really good at it. Study it for years and years. Really get to know and understand and become one with it. Maybe if I weren't so fucking stupid I would be good at something.
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Comments: (use Reply to add a comment) Drie Rat-Hole Chic
Location: Hudson Valley NY Gender: Female Total Likes: 0 likes
bringing it back.
| | | | Re: I am stupid. < Reply # 2 on 8/25/2004 5:50 PM > | Reply with Quote
| | | THD, you aren't stupid. You are probably just going stir crazy. I know I would be going freakin nuts if i was sitting around in one place for days on end with nothing to do and no one to talk to. You dont need to be professionally taught in anything to be good at it. You also are, as I can tell, damn good at painting, and also damn good at photography. And as far as UE goes, its not about the stupid stars or going to meets. I mean, yeah, meets are awesome. I'm the first person to say it. But its not the thing that makes UE great, or makes a great explorer. Meets are just a nice addition to the whole thing. I should hope that our UER community judges people, if at all, based on knowledge and experience, and the desire to explore. Not whether or not they have a pig star near their name. So yeah, don't be so hard on yourself. I get where you are coming from, and we've all been there.
| Drie - www.synestheticlight.com "In the absence of the living, there still exists a life." |
| The Hitman's Daughter Account Closed
Location: ottawa, canada Gender: Female Total Likes: 0 likes
hot pavement.
| | | | Re: I am stupid. < Reply # 3 on 8/25/2004 6:25 PM > | Reply with Quote
| | | Thank you guys (and the people who pm'd me)... *sigh* i think Drie is right on the money. I'm going stir-crazy. When Ed's gone (and he's gone a lot lately, stupid Navy! *shakes fist*) it's just me here, day after day after day. I have a volunteer job, but that's only once a week and so the rest of the week it's just me sitting here by myself with way too much time on my hands to overanalyze my life. Doh. I realize that the stars in people's profiles are just silly things that don't really mean anything, I didn't mean to sound like I was crying about profile icons. That was not my intention. I was just using that as an example. So.. anyway.. You all are so nice. Wonderful people. Sorry about my big crybaby journal entry. I've just been upset with myself lately, is all. Very frustrated with myself. I think it's because I always thought that by now I would have made something more of myself. That said, I am checking into local learning courses for this fall, and I'm seeing what I can find in the vein of art and photography. I should stop whining and feeling sorry for myself, and actually do something. cheers.
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