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 | Freedom
entry by Path Walker
7/30/2006 7:01 PM
| I read once, though I forget where, that "Freedom is equal parts hope and fear; stop surviving and start thriving."
Yeah. Let's talk about that.
I'm sitting here at a Barnes & Noble cafe, typing this on a laptop I cannot afford but purchased with a company credit card, waiting another hour and a half before I head to the office... on a Sunday... to be deployed out to northern Delaware for the better part of the week. I am experiencing what some would call "freedom" and yet I'm finding that it sucks. Completely. I am, in a word, miserable.
This past mother's day, the woman I'd pledged to spend the rest of my life with decided that we weren't working out... after 6 1/2 years together. She packed some things and went to her parents' house, where she's been staying (as far as I know) ever since. In between then and now, we'd seen each other a few times, though they were never exactly happy occasions, and even vacationed with friends that might as well be family down in Alabama for over a week. And despite all the progress I thought we were making, all the positives that seemed to be presenting themselves, nearly a week after we got back from that vacation she decided to end it all permanently.
Of course there's much more to this story. Mistakes were made on both our parts, things were said and done which can never be taken back much as we both may wish it. But suffice to say that I'm free... Except there's a catch or three.
See, we'd just moved into an apartment together (our 5th place together in 6 years across New York) on March 15th, and both of our names are on the lease. I've been staying there all this time, even while she's at her folks' house, but now she wants me to move out so that she can have the place to herself. I'm actually ok with that - even with my new job and its nice paychecks, I can't quite afford the place with my other bills in addition to feeding myself and keeping my car fueled. And there's the chance she might try to screw me somehow since my name's on the lease.
Where it gets really hairy is my daughter; she's actually still taking my daughter out places. Yesterday, Hillary Clinton came to my ex's workplace, and she had my ex-wife drive my daughter up there to see the senator. That I'm ok with; my daughter looks up to women in positions of power and I sincerely hope she seeks such lofty goals herself. What I'm not ok with is that my ex-girlfriend's parents wound up babysitting my daughter while my ex-girlfriend was working... Even my ex-wife wasn't ok with that, which we didn't find out until after my daughter went home. My ex-girlfriend's father is a blatant alcoholic, prone to violence and extreme anger. Not exactly the kind of person I'd want my daughter around, and I kept the 2 of them apart as best I could while my ex-girlfriend and I were together. But here my ex is handing my daughter off to her parents... Bad planning, to be sure.
Today, she's taking my daughter roller-blading. I'm not sure why. In my mind, and granted I'm hurting here and perhaps not thinking my most rationally and objectively, there's no reason whatsoever that my ex-girlfriend should see my daughter at all. I understand that she was a big part of my daughter's life for 6 1/2 years, but she's not my daughter's mother and she's not my girlfriend. And, frankly, it pains me that my ex is being blatantly thrown in my face like this. But that's just me.
So, this is freedom. I've got next to nothing; literally I could move out of that apartment within an hour because there's so little I'd want to take with me (memories and all, and I like to travel light anyway). But I have nowhere to put it other than my car. For the next 2 weeks, I'll be working out-of-state (as I have for the last 2 weeks) so I have no real reason to consider anywhere "home" at the moment other than the hotel rooms I've been staying in. I'd love a new apartment, something small and out toward - if not in - the country (the apartment I'm in now is smack in the middle of the city; look in the DB under US > New York > Schenectady > Barney Square), but at the moment I'm paying off overdue bills from spending far too long unemployed (just last month's and this month's) so I don't exactly have the money or the time to go "shopping" for a new dwelling. I could live out of the car for a little while; I'd done it for 6 straight months when my ex-girlfriend and I started seeing each other and I can't stop telling people how those were among the best months of my life. But that's definitely not a long-term solution.
Hence, freedom sucks ass for me. I'm alone and lonely, bored out of my mind, and miserable.
How, exactly, am I supposed to "stop surviving and start thriving"?
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