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entry by longbaugh
12/23/2005 9:19 PM
| Monica walks into her dry cleaning store and tells the guy, "I've got another dress for you to clean." Slightly hard of hearing, the clerk replies, "Come again?" "No," says Monica. "Mustard."
OFFICIAL 2004 DEMOCRATIC NATIONAL CONVENTION PROGRAM
6:00pm- Opening flag burning ceremony.
6:30pm- Anti-war rally no. 1.
6:40pm- Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
7:00pm- Tribute theme to France.
7:10pm- Collect offerings for al-Zawahri and al-Sadr defense fund.
7:20pm- Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
7:25pm- Tribute theme to Spain.
7:45pm- Anti-war rally no. 2. (Moderated by Michael Moore)
8:00pm- John Kerry presents one side of the issues
8:25pm- Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
8:30pm- Terrorist appeasement workshop.
9:00pm- Gay marriage ceremony.
9:30pm- * Intermission * (Refreshments hosted by Ted Kennedy)
10:00pm- Flag stomping and defacing ceremony
10:15pm- Re-enactment of Kerry's fake medal toss.
10:30pm- Cameo by Dean 'Yeeearrrrrrrg!'
10:40pm- Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
10:50pm- Pledge of allegiance to the UN.
11:00pm- Double gay marriage ceremony.
11:15pm- Maximizing Welfare workshop.
11:20pm- John Kerry presents the other side of the issues
11:30pm- 'Free Saddam' pep rally.
11:59pm- Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
12:00am - Nomination of Democrat candidate.
A man is driving through the misty hills of Scotland, when a huge, red haired Highlander, clutching a claymore in one hand steps into the middle of the road. As the driver slams on the brakes, he sees a beautiful young woman standing by the roadside. When the car stops, the big kilted man opens the door and drags the man out onto the road. "I want ye tae masturbate!" the Highlander bellows. Dae it noo...or ah'll bloody kill ye!" Terrified, the man drops his pants and starts to masturbate. Catching a glimpse of the beautiful young woman, he finishes very quickly. "Dae it again!" the Highlander snarls. This scenario is repeated several times. The hapless driver rubs himself raw, and gets cramps in both arms. He collapses to the ground in a sweaty heap. "I can't do it again. You'll have to kill me!" the man whimpers. The Highlander looks down at him and says "All right, laddie. Noo, can ye give me daughter a lift to Inverness?"
Subject: Sweet little ole lady
This will warm your heart. Just when you've lost faith in human kindness, someone puts the world into clear view again. A teacher at a Middle School in Safety Harbor, Florida forwarded this letter to the principal. The letter was sent to the principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. This old lady received a new radio at the lunch, and was writing to say thanks. This story is a credit to all human kind. Read it and forward it to all those who could use a lift. Smile
Dear Safety Harbor Middle School,
God blesses you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizen's luncheon.. I am 84 years old and live at the Safety Harbor Assisted Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away.
I am all alone now and it's nice to know that someone is thinking of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady. My roommate is 95 and always had her own radio, but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping. The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I said fuck you. Life is good.
Sincerely,
Edna
An elderly man inherits several million dollars from a deceased brother, he says to himself I'm 80 years old I'm giong to buy a Mercedes. Old man goes to the dealer test drives and buys his brand new Mercedes. As the man is driving it home he decides to see how fast it goes so he cruises along the highway at over 100mph and passes a cop, the cop follows and the old man says to himself I can outrun this cop, but decides against it and pulls over to wait for the cop. The cop walks up and says to the old man if you tell me an excuse I've never heard before I'll let you go.
The old man thinks for a second and explains that he ran from the cop because his wife left him several months ago for a cop. The cop says that's not going to work, then the old man yells, I THOUGHT YOU WERE BRINGING HER BACK!!
This young woman walks into the grocery store, she picks up one piece of edamer cheese, noodles, ketchup, 2packs of frozen pizza, some twizzlers and a magazine. When she gets to the counter the guy sitting goes. "Darn, you just _must_ be single!"
"Yes how could you tell?!"
"you are so fucking ugly!"
An Irish woman visited her physician to ask his help in
reviving her husband's sex drive.
"What about trying Viagra?" asks the doctor.
"Not a chance," she said. "He won't even take an aspirin".
"Not a problem," replied the doctor. "Drop it into his coffee. He won't
even
taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things
went."
It wasn't even a week later, when she rang up the doctor who directly
inquired as to progress.
The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! 'Twas horrid.
Just terrible, Doctor."
"Really? What happened?" asked the doctor.
"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee didn't I? The
effect was almost immediate.
He jumped hisself straight up, with a twinkle in His eye, and with his
pants a-bulging fiercely! With One swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and
tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there,
making wild, mad, passionate love to me on the tabletop! It was a
nightmare, I tell you!"
"Why so terrible?" asked the doctor. "Do you mean the sex was not good?"
"No, no, no, Doctor. The sex was fine. Indeed, 'twas the best sex I've
had in 25 years...
But I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again.
Three strangers strike up a conversation in the airport lounge in Bozeman, Montana, awaiting their flights. One is an American Indian passing through from Lame Deer. The second is a Cowboy on his way to a livestock show. The third passenger is an Arab college student, newly arrived from the Middle East. Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon, the two Americans learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim and the conversation falls into an uneasy lull. The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table, and tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face.
The wind outside is blowing tumbleweeds around, and the old windsock is flapping; but still no plane comes. Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and softly he speaks, "At one time here, my people were many, but sadly, now we are few." The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward, "Once my people were few," he sneers, "and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?"
The Montana cowboy shifts his toothpick to one side of his mouth and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says, "That's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet, but I do believe it's a-comin'.
3 recently married guys are sitting in a bar and talking about some of the changes they've made in their lives.
The first guy mentions that he gave his wife a list of household duties he wanted her to start doing. "I told her that every day, I want you to clean the house, do the laundry, and cook a nice meal for me. I took a couple of days to see any changes, but now things are sweet!"
The second guy says "Yeah, I tried something like that too - I couldn't see a difference for the first few days, but then she came around nicely".
The third guy chuckles, and says "you know, I tried the same thing - told her I wanted her to cook me a meal, do the dishes, and cut the lawn everyday. The first day I couldn't see any difference, the second day I could barely see a change, but by the third day.....the swelling had gone down enough that I could make myself something to eat, load the dishwasher, and call the landscape company!" Wink
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him," My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.
"There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a lot cheaper than a doctor."
So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart.
He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks."
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:
>
> 1 Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
>
> 2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
>
> 3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
>
> 4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
>
> 5 If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get
> better.
>
> Thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart
A father enters his daughter's bedroom and sees a letter over the bed.
With the worst premonition, he reads it with trembling hands:
Dear Dad,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm telling you that I've eloped with my new boyfriend. I've found real passion and he is so
nice, with all his piercings,scars and tattoos, and his big motorcycle.
But it's not only that Dad, I'm pregnant and Ahmed said that we will be very happy in his trailer in the woods. He wants to have many more
children with me and that's one of my dreams.
I've learned that marijuana doesn't hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and his friends, who are providing us with all the cocaine and
ecstasy we could ever want. In the meantime, we'll pray for the science to find the AIDS cure, for Ahmed to get better, he deserves it.
Don't worry about our money situation, Ahmed has arranged for me to appear in certain films that his friends Leroy and Jamal make in their basement.
Apparently I can earn per scene. I get a bonus if there are more than three men in the scene and an extra 100 if they use the horse.
Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself.
Someday I'll visit you so that you can meet your grandchildren.
Your daughter,
Aimee
PS: Dad, it's not true. I'm at the neighbour's house. I just wanted to show you that there are worse things in life than denting a car.
Sorry about your Porsche, I love you!
Aimee
Little David was in his 4th grade class when the teacher asked
the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers
came up -- fireman, policeman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, etc. David was
being uncharacteristically quiet, so the teacher asked him about his
father.
"My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his
clothes
in front of other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if
the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy for money. "
The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other
children to work on some exercises and took little David aside to ask him,
"Is that really true about your father?"
"No," said David, "He works for the Democratic National Committee, but I
was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."
Peace in the World or....
Two Arabs boarded a flight out of London.
One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat.
Just
before takeoff, an American sat down in the aisle seat.
After takeoff, the American kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes
and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, "I need to get up
and get a coke." "Don't get up" said the American, "I'm in the aisle seat,
I'll get it for you."
As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the American's shoe and
spat in it. When he returned with the coke, the other Arab said, "That
looks good, I'd really like one, too."
Again, the American obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone the
other Arab picked up his other shoe and spat in it. When the American
returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.
As the plane was landing, the American slipped his feet into his shoes
and knew immediately what had happened. "Why does it have to be this
way?" he asked. "How long must this go on? This fighting between our
nations?
This hatred?
This animosity?
This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes."
An American tourist in Londondecides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own.He wanders around, seeing the sights, and occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the lads, and have a pint of Guinness.
After awhile, he finds himself in a very high class neighborhood.....big, stately residences... no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all... NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS.
He really, really has to go, after all those Guinness's. He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.
As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London Bobbie, who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."
"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really HAVE TO GO, and I just can't find a public restroom."
"Ah, yes," said the Bobbie..."Just follow me".
He leads him to a back delivery alley, then along a wall to a gate, which he opens.
"In there," points the Bobbie. "Whiz away... anywhere you want."
The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.
Since he has the cop's blessing, he unburdens himself and is greatly relieved.
As he goes back through the gate, he says to the Bobbie, "That was really decent of you ...is that "British Hospitality ?"
"No" replied the Bobbie, with a satisfied smile on his face, "That is the French Embassy.
Two southern belles are sitting on the porch of a plantantion manor, sipping mint julip.
Belle #1 turns the the second and says,"You see all those fields and workers out there?"
Belle #2: "Yeup."
Belle #1: "My daddy gave me those.
Belle #2: "Well how nice."
Belle #1: "See all those horses and carragies?"
Belle #2: "Yeup."
Belle #1: "My daddy gave me those.
Belle #2: "Well How nice"
Belle #1: "See this manor and the servants?"
Belle #2: "Yeup."
Belle #1: "My daddy gave me those."
Belle #2: "Well how nice."
A short time latter Belle #1 turns to Belle #2 and asks: "What did your daddy give you?"
Belle #2: "Well, my daddy sent me to the best universities of all the US of A."
Belle #1: "Oh really? What'd ya learn?"
Belle #2: "Well, we learned to say 'Well how nice.' Instead of FUCK YOU!"
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