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 | even worse jokes
entry by longbaugh
12/23/2005 8:49 PM
| Why do blacks have nightmares?
Because we shot the only one who had a dream.
A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for a new tube rectum deodorant. The puzzled pharmacist looks at her and tells her there is no such thing. The blonde tells the pharmacist “yes there is and I have bought it here before”. The pharmacist continues to tell the blonde that there is no such thing as rectum deodorant. The blond, now visibly agitated tells the pharmacist that she will go home and get her empty tube of rectum deodorant to prove to him. Upon her return she promptly hands the pharmacist an empty tube of underarm deodorant. The pharmacist takes the tube and points out to the blonde that it is underarm deodorant. The blond angrily grabs the tube back, points to the directions on back and says “no it’s not, look right here it says, REMOVE CAP – PUSH UP BOTTOM”.
An Irishman, an Englishman, and a Scot were sitting in a bar. The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, the food exceptional.
"Y'know" said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. Why, in Glasgow there's a little bar called McTavish's where the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4 drinks he will buy the 5th drink for you."
"Well," said the Englishman, "at my local, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first 2."
"Ahhh that's nothin'" said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin there's Ryan's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then when you've had enough drinks they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house."
The Englishman and Scotsman immediately pour scorn on the Irishman's claims. He swears every word is true.
"Well" said the Englishman, "Did this actually happen to you?"
"Not me myself, personally, no," said the Irishman. "But it did happen to me sister."
How do you get three dead babies into a shoebox?
A blender!
How do you get 'em back out?
Doritos!
An honest man is being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a busy boulevard.
Suddenly, the light turns yellow, just in front of him. He does the honest thing, and stops at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating woman hits the roof, and the horn, screaming in frustration as she misses her chance to get through the intersection with him.
As she is still in mid-rant, she hears a tap on her window and looks up into the face of a very serious police officer.
The officer orders her to exit her car with her hands up. He takes her to the police station where she is searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approaches the cell and opens the door. She is escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer is waiting with her personal effects.
He says, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping the guy off in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the "Choose Life" license plate holder, the "What Would Jesus Do" bumper sticker, the "Follow Me to Sunday School" bumper sticker, and the chrome plated "Christian fish emblem on the trunk."
He shrugged. "Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car."
One night there were these 3 guys sitting around a campfire, swilling back whiskey and beer. the 1st guy is an Indian, the 2nd an Afro-American and the 3rd is your run of the mill White, Redneck, Cowboy.
Well, They all start talking about the old days and the Indian says: "Once long ago my people were strong and many. Then the white man come, and now, my people are few and weak".
Then the black guys says; "Well, one time ago my people were few and weak. Now we are many and strong".
Then the Cowboy jumps up, gulps down the last half-a-bottle of whiskey, throws the empty in the fire, looks the black guy dead in the eye and says; "Well you ain't seen us play cowboys and niggers yet".
George Bush and Bill Clinton somehow ended up at the same barbershop.
As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken.
The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics.
As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Clinton in his chair reached for the aftershave.
Clinton was quick to stop him saying, "No thanks, my wife Hillary will smell that and
think I've been in a whorehouse."
The second barber turned to Bush and said, "How about you?"
Bush replied, "Go ahead, Laura doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."
CONFESSIONAL
An old man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
Man: I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.
Priest: Are you sorry for your sins?
Man: What sins?
Priest: What kind of a Catholic are you?
Man: I'm Jewish
Priest: Why are you telling me all this?
Man: I'm telling everybody.!!!!
"The new Spanish government will soon meet with Germany and France to craft a 'European' approach to terrorism. Topic No. 1: How big should the white flag be? Oak or cedar for the pole?"
"Saddam Hussein's lawyer, a Frenchman naturally, says his client is 'has been exhibited like an animal at a fair.' Which brings up two questions: 1. Why are we treating him so well? 2. Are we charging admission?"
"The Jacksonian Theory of the Democratic Party: - they went from Andrew to Scoop to Jesse."
This old man that lives at this old retirement home is sitting watching TV, This old lady comes and sits next to him, the sexual tention in the air can be cut with a knife! the old lady slowly puts her hand over the old mans crotch. They sit like this untill naptime. The following day the same thing happens, same thing also happens the third day. The fourth day the old woman turns the corner to the TV room and sees the old man smiling, with a different woman by his side, she has her hand over his crotch... The old woman is devastated. She runs as fast as she back up to her room and cries. The following morning she goes to the old man in his room. Screaming and crying "why, What does that hag have that i dont, is she younger, prettier!! what!!!"
"She has parkinsons"
A man goes to a barber for a trim and a shave.
While the barber is lathering the man up for his shave, the man expresses to the barber how he has a hard time getting a close shave on his cheeks. The barber replies with a solution and pulls a small wooden ball out of this cabinet drawer.
"Place the wooden ball between your cheek and gum on the right side and you will have a close shave on that side."
The man does this, and the barber shaves the right side of his face.
"WooW!" exclaims the man, "that is great!"
He puts the ball on the left side of his mouth, and with muffled voice asks, "Wht happns if I accidentally swawo the ball?"
The barber says, "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else!"
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
Bob joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he takes off his clothes and starts wandering around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by him and the man immediately gets an erection.
The woman notices his erection, comes over to him grinning sweetly and says: "Sir, did you call for me?" Bob replies: "No, what do you mean?" She says: "You must be new here; let me explain. It's a rule here that if I give you an erection, it implies you called for me." Smiling, she then leads him to the side of a pool, lays down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.
Bob continues exploring the facilities. He enters a sauna, sits down, and farts. Within a few seconds a huge, horribly corpulent, hairy man with a firm erection lumbers out of the steam towards him. The Huge Man says: "Sir, did you call for me?" Bob replies: "No, what do you mean?" The Huge Man: "You must be new here; it is a rule that when you fart, it implies you called for me." The huge man then easily spins Bob around, bends him over the bench and has his way with him.
Bob rushes back to the colony office. He is greeted by the smiling naked receptionist: "May I help you?" Bob says: "Here is your card and key back. You can keep the $500 joining fee." Receptionist: "But Sir, you've only been here a couple of hours; you only saw a small fraction of our facilities.....
"Bob replies: "Listen lady, I am 58 years old, I get a hard-on twice a month, but I fart 15 times a day!
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