forums
new posts
donate
UER Store
events
location db
db map
search
members
faq
terms of service
privacy policy
register
login




UER Forum > Journal Index > Longbow's Journal > even more insensitive jokes (Viewed 1934 times)
even more insensitive jokes
entry by longbaugh 
12/23/2005 8:37 PM

Three travellers are captured by a group of cannibals (oh these jokes are popular!) and are brought before the chief. The cheif tells them, "We are going to make boats out of your skins, but we are kind, so we will give you a choice on how you die." The chief then showed a vast collection of weapons for the men to choose from.
The first man, wanting the death to be quick, took a pistol and shot himself. The second man, who was afraid of guns slit his wrists...
The third man, after thinking about it a little while asked to be given a fork. The cannibals laughed and gave it to him and wondered how he was going to kill himself with a knife...
The man looked at the cannibals and said, "make a boat out of this!"
and started stabbing his entire body with the fork....

The Non-Agressive Marine

News anchor Dan Rather, The Reverend Jesse Jackson, NPR reporter Cokie Roberts, and an American Marine were hiking through the jungle one day when they were captured by cannibals.

They were tied up, led to the village and brought before the chief. The chief said, "I am familiar with your Western custom of granting the condemned a last wish. Before we kill and eat you, do you have any last requests?"

Dan Rather said, "Well, I'm a Texan; so I'd like one last bowlful of hot, spicy chili." The chief nodded to an underling, who left and returned with the chili. Rather ate it all and said, "Now I can die content."

Jesse Jackson said, "You know, the thing in this life I am proudest of is my work on behalf of the poor and oppressed. So before I go, I want to sing "We Shall Overcome" one last time." The chief said, "Go right ahead, we're listening." Jackson sang the song, and then said, "Now I can die in peace."

Cokie Roberts said, "I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to happen. Maybe someday someone will hear it and know that I was on the job til the end." The chief directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder, and Roberts dictated some comments. She then said, "Now I can die happy."

The chief turned and said, "And now, Mr. Marine, what is your final wish?"

"Kick me in the ass," said the Marine.

"What?" said the chief. "Will you mock us in your last hour?"

"No, I'm not kidding. I want you to kick me in the ass," insisted the Marine.

So the chief shoved him into the open, and kicked him in the ass. The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9mm pistol from his waistband, and shot the chief dead. In the resulting confusion, he leapt to his knapsack, pulled out his M4 carbine, and sprayed the cannibals with gunfire. In a flash, the cannibals were dead or fleeing for their lives.

As the Marine was untying the others, they asked him, "Why didn't you just shoot them? Why did you ask them to kick you in the ass?"

"What!?" said the Marine, "And have you jerks call ME the aggressor?!"

A very attractive lady goes up to the bar. She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does, she begins to gently caress his full beard. "Are you the manager?" she asks softly caressing his face with both hands. "Actually, I'm not," says the man.
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair. I'm afraid I can't," breathes the bartender. "Is there anything I
can do?" "Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck and nip at
them gently. "What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say around her delicate fingers sliding in and out of his mouth. "Tell him," she whispers, "there's no toilet paper, hand soap or paper towels in the ladies room."

Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar.
After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I
can't help but think, from listening to you, that
you're from Ireland."

The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am!"

The first guy says, "So am I! And where about from
Ireland might you be?"

The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin, I am."

The first guy responds, "Sure and begora, and so am I!
And what street did you live on in Dublin?"

The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was, I
lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of
town."

The first guy says, "Faith & it's a small world, so
did I! And to what school would you have been going?"

The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's
of course."

The first guy gets really excited, and says, "And so
did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?"

The other guy answers, "Well, now, I graduated in
1964."

The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling
down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at
winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe
it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self."

About this time, another guy walks into the bar, sits
down, and orders a beer.

The bartender walks over shaking his head & mutters,
"It's going to be a long night tonight, the Murphy
twins are drunk again."

The Lone Ranger has been captured, he is tied up and the Indians are getting ready to execute him. The chief walks up and asks him if he has a last request, the Lone Ranger says that he just wants to say something to his horse. The chief agrees, so Silver walks over to the LR, the LR wispers somthing in his ear, then Silver takes off into the desert. Silver returns minutes later with a gorgeous blonde, whom the chief promptly has sex with. Afterwards he strolls out to the LR and says, "Good woman, me still kill you at sundown". LR just shakes his head and asks to speak to Silver again. The same thing happens, except he returns with a killer brunette. Chief has his way and again informs the LR that he still will die. The LR is visibly irritated and says "Shit, can I talk to him again." The same senario plays out except this time Silver returns with a hot redhead. The chief has his way again and still informs the LR that he will die at sundown. The LR is totally pissed, he screams at Silver to come over here, ignoring the chief, when Silver gets over to him, the LR grabs him by the ears and yells, POSSE DAMN IT, POSSE



Modify Entry



Comments: (use Reply to add a comment)
UER Forum > Journal Index > Longbow's Journal > even more insensitive jokes (Viewed 1934 times)


Add a poll to this thread



This thread is in a public category, and can't be made private.



All content and images copyright © 2002-2024 UER.CA and respective creators. Graphical Design by Crossfire.
To contact webmaster, or click to email with problems or other questions about this site: UER CONTACT
View Terms of Service | View Privacy Policy | Server colocation provided by Beanfield
This page was generated for you in 62 milliseconds. Since June 23, 2002, a total of 737060472 pages have been generated.