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UER Forum > Journal Index > Chronicles of a vagabond soul > Have you ever just sat down and admitted to yourself that it's all a sick joke? (Viewed 2297 times)
Have you ever just sat down and admitted to yourself that it's all a sick joke?
entry by Downtown D-Low Brown 
3/24/2005 6:04 PM

Christ, I'm going to bleed my heart out here.

Let me start out like this: Have you ever had a plan, a grand idea, of how something would and should work out with somebody, imagined all the great things you would do if only you could convince that person to be with you, to give up what they've been doing for soemthing (in your mind) that would be better? And then seen the weight of reality crashing down on you when it dawns on you that this person will never change and, worst, never be capable of giving the kind of love to you you need or be able to accept the love you'd like to give them?

O.K., probably not.


Here is the story: Throughout high school, I'd had a huge crush on my friend. She was, in many ways like me: wore black, moody, erratic, not on the popular side of things, and yet also capable of being the sweetest person, most caring person in the world. Who, in the middle of her birthday, came to pick me up after I had spent an hour wandering to my high school after leaving my house after being all but disowned by my father, and then offered me all most all her money on hand to try and find me a place to stay? Or who held my head as I cried my eyes out and comforted me? Or who was there for me when I wanted to end it all? Only her.

The point: she disappeared after high school, and everyone lost all track of her. Cut to two years later, this year: A chance meeting with another friend who was also wondering where she had went sent me off on a search again. I'd never forgotten her, and indeed and thought of little else of having her back in my life. She was one the few people who I could understand, and who could understand and like me for who I was. I wanted her, no, needed to have her with me, if you can understand that.

And, lo and behold, I got a tip that she was living about 30 minutes west of where I was by herself. I was out there in a heartbeat. The first time I went she wasn't there, but I got lucky a few days later. She was there. At last!

But damned if things hadn't changed. She was in a bad way: her drug issues had caught up with her, she was on coke, the money was gone, and she was not very happy and was in danger of completely going under.

To make this short, I begged, pleaded, with her to come back with me, to leave all this crap, and I don't beg or plead under any circumstances. I wanted desperately to hold on to her.

I failed.

She's gone out west again, to die most likely. And I'm stuck here. The person I've come closest to really, really loving is gone.

I don't know why I wrote this here, I just needed to write something, and now I'm crying in a college library at a computer, and I think I'd better go now.

~D


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Ben 

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Location: Mojave Desert
Gender: Male
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Re: Have you ever just sat down and admitted to yourself that it's all a sick joke?
< Reply # 1 on 3/26/2005 12:49 AM >
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Hang in there, D.




UER Forum > Journal Index > Chronicles of a vagabond soul > Have you ever just sat down and admitted to yourself that it's all a sick joke? (Viewed 2297 times)


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