forums
new posts
donate
UER Store
events
location db
db map
search
members
faq
terms of service
privacy policy
register
login




1 2  
UER Forum > Journal Index > There and Back Again > The Job (Viewed 2726 times)
The Job
entry by becckeez 
1/24/2019 3:37 PM

Today's the day my teaching soul died.


I left work after the final bell in a rush. Technically, I'm required to stay an extra 45 minutes to help students with homework after school, but I felt very unwell. I hate this job.

I reached out to the single behavioral specialist officer that existed within 400+ miles. Living in rural Alaska means limited access to health care options. I'm stubborn about doctors, regardless.... but I have been very unwell. I feel very unwell. I hate this job.

After having myself talked down from the metaphorical with the possibility of becoming real - edge of a 5,000ft jump - I came home, exhausted, and to an angry email from my boss.

Today, I'm required to go in and talk (defend) myself. I always seem to wind up here. My entire life - every major turning point was sparked in the same damn place - the principal's office.

So I've decided to take a different stroke this go round. I'm older, and possibly even smarter (exhausted) than before. I've decided to play stupid, and do whatever I'm told.

"Jump? How high sir? Yes sir. Thank you sir." I'm honestly too tired and unwell to fight any of this nonsense.

I've been really unwell. I feel pretty unwell this morning. I'm going to allow my principal to change grades in my gradebook (lie) so that certain students and parents will not receive "bad grades" or not get to practice their sport.

I'm going to lie about the quality, and effort of work students put in.
I'm going to hand out easy work so that they won't fail.
I'm going to spend time at my desk surfing the internet while they do the easy work.
I'm going to plug in the easy grades so that all the students are always passing.
I'm going to be called the best teacher, and they're all going to miss me when I leave.

Today, my true teaching soul died. And I finally became the postmodern teacher. The instructor we all crave.


[last edit 1/24/2019 3:41 PM by becckeez - edited 2 times]
Modify Entry



Comments: (use Reply to add a comment)
becckeez 


Location: 804
Gender: Female
Total Likes: 609 likes


trippin.

 |  | 
Re: The Job
< Reply # 1 on 1/26/2019 8:59 PM >
Reply with Quote
Posted on Forum: UER Forum
75 days and it'll be over, it'll be through.

I can walk away from school forever, in just 75 more days.





becckeez 


Location: 804
Gender: Female
Total Likes: 609 likes


trippin.

 |  | 
Re: The Job
< Reply # 2 on 1/28/2019 3:23 PM >
Reply with Quote
Posted on Forum: UER Forum
74 more days until I'm really all free of this. Just 74.

I'm gonna choose to go in for the money, and not the message.

Assignments have been outlined on "google classroom" and the students can access them there. I can essentially preform the duties a substitute does.

I'm confident a few people will be irked by this response, but those few people do not deserve to suck out my light and love like vampires - not anymore.

This job truly takes life force to work, and I'm tired of people taking MY LIFE FORCE.

I know it sounds buggy - no one understands what I mean when I say these things. But I honestly feel like to teach in public school you have to really CARE about what you're doing. CARING so much opens you up to all kinds of emotional attacks and baggage that you then deal with on top of the effort of CARING about everyone, all the time. Eventually, you just run out of time to care about yourself, or anything else for that matter. And that's how you end up here, where I am now.

I'm exhausted, and terrified of going into work - but in 74 days it will all be over.

I want to really flesh this out. I want me - in the future - to be able to look back at this, and other things I've written down. I want the future me to remember how horrible this all was so maybe, just maybe, I can be happier in the work I do find.

Public school teaching is even more miserable than public schooling. You serve a single purpose - being a punching bag for society's ills. And while, at this point, it's been readily proven I have above average "emotional intelligence" it doesn't take a near-psychic to sit and eat society's shit. In fact, someone so "sensitive" should be miles away from such a toxic job.

It's not that I'm weak, or have slowly gotten weak. You know. It's just. It's a toxic job. I honestly didn't sign up for this. I'm honestly not going to be happy contributing like this.

I'm getting the fuck out in 74 days.



[last edit 1/28/2019 3:27 PM by becckeez - edited 2 times]

becckeez 


Location: 804
Gender: Female
Total Likes: 609 likes


trippin.

 |  | 
Re: The Job
< Reply # 3 on 1/29/2019 5:20 AM >
Reply with Quote
Posted on Forum: UER Forum
If they fire me I can always move to Ocean City and flip burgers for a few years.




becckeez 


Location: 804
Gender: Female
Total Likes: 609 likes


trippin.

 |  | 
Re: The Job
< Reply # 4 on 1/29/2019 4:18 PM >
Reply with Quote
Posted on Forum: UER Forum
73 days.

But, calm down.

Let's just look at today. Just today.

I can do today without wanting to off myself at the end. That's the goal.

The goal is to get to the end of today without seriously contemplating offing myself.

The goal is to create - at least - that measure of peace and calm.

Because, after all, this is just a job. It's not the end of times, or the end of my life. It's just another job. A crappy job. But a job. A job I've already decided on leaving and gone through all that. Now all that's left is to finish it. Yep.

No other reason to go spiraling into oblivion over some silly job.

So, the goal, for 73rd day is not to have a complete emotional breakdown today.

I can do this. I can.




I got to the end without wanting to crawl away and die. This is success.

I want this again for tomorrow. I want to go to bed. Because I've had success. I made it to the end of day 73.



[last edit 1/30/2019 4:22 AM by becckeez - edited 1 times]

becckeez 


Location: 804
Gender: Female
Total Likes: 609 likes


trippin.

 |  | 
Re: The Job
< Reply # 5 on 2/1/2019 3:11 PM >
Reply with Quote
Posted on Forum: UER Forum
The shrink I see keeps telling me I"m a good teacher. He'd hate to see me walk away from a career path I excel at.

This small town bullshit. How would it be possible for him to know jack shit?

We literally just had a meeting on using "evidence" to base my thought process around.

It's frustrating.

Maybe I am a good teacher. I used to put A LOT of work into it.

I'm also an empath, raised in the church. I watched my mother heal others for a living. In a discrete way, I made that a part of my job as well.

So yeah, maybe he's right. And maybe the evidence he has is from other sessions he's had from my students or parents in this small 800 population of a town. Maybe they've said some things.

Or maybe, he has solid evidence from my evaluations he reads and has approved for the last two years as my school board president.

Maybe it's the impact I've had on his daughter, and the kindness I've tried to show his family. The wine I bought Sara for her birthday. The effort I put into updating the curriculum to include lessons on their heritage, and be more culturally responsive.

The fact I ran a school newspaper for free for the benefit of the students.
The reality that I come into his office sobbing, falling apart, but turn it around into a smile the following day for the students.
The fact that I'd still blame myself over faulting any other person.

But if those are the pieces of evidence. Hard reality I choose to use... then the conversation shifts. He's right. Logically, and emotionally now. I have no urge to off myself.

Instead, I'm angry. I'm angry that I went back to the public education system.; something that tried to eat me alive as a child. I went back to it, and allowed it to gnaw on me for another half decade more.

I'm angry that I haven't been using the kindness and gifts the universe gave me on something more productive. Something where more kindness could be done.

To be honest, I went into public teaching because I liked teaching, and I thought that if I could at least not be an jerk teacher, that would could cancel out the efforts of an actual jerk teacher.

[Haha... I can't believe my original goal was to just not be an ass to people.]

I've lost sight of that goal over the years. I've made this journey out to be a lot of things I never originally intended it to be about.

So I guess, in the end. I'm just angry. I'm angry I've squandered my talents, and my youth on such a futile sack of shit that is the public edu system.

Will I be able to bounce back? Find another job? Possible career track? Will my health and mental sanity return?

Regardless, being angry is better than wanting to off myself. So, maybe it is possible to move on.




[last edit 2/1/2019 3:24 PM by becckeez - edited 3 times]

becckeez 


Location: 804
Gender: Female
Total Likes: 609 likes


trippin.

 |  | 
Re: The Job
< Reply # 6 on 2/11/2019 5:04 AM >
Reply with Quote
Posted on Forum: UER Forum
I've started looking at job boards with seriousness.

I've seen several Architectural Historian gigs. I just. What.
It's like that job was made for me.

I should put together things in my life so this kind of job can happen.

Portfolios and web design and things. Things! That need to happen.

LinkedIns and social media and examples of my research. Examples of my writing.

I too can profit from the internet.

Is there hope? Could I actually find a decent somewhat interesting job?

Could I find a decent any kind of job?

My brain says ... maybe?




becckeez 


Location: 804
Gender: Female
Total Likes: 609 likes


trippin.

 |  | 
Re: The Job
< Reply # 7 on 2/21/2019 3:46 PM >
Reply with Quote
Posted on Forum: UER Forum
53 Days.

I've had enough space and time to realize a number of things.

This is probably because I have the reality of leaving sneaking up fast.

It may be because of the therapy. Or a moment of clarity. Who knows. Who cares.


Somethings...

  • I put a lot of physical and mental effort into this job, and about 80% of my dispensable time. Pulling back from that the last couple of weeks has made me realize I never gave time to myself to be myself. It's such a relief to plan things for ME, or to spend money on hobbies that make me happy.

  • I'm pretty awesome at this job. I do exactly what I set out to do: help kids feel safe, self-worthy, and help them learn. Learn new things. Learn things that will help them get jobs and keep them. Nurture the future. You know. And I do. I do that very well. I may not be the head teacher, or the most popular, or the funniest, or whatever - but I do great at all those other things. And that's what counted to me in the first place.

  • There's a lot more anger and sadness in other people than in myself. I guess sometimes I feed on it. An interaction with someone going through a lot really puts me down in their head space. I'm learning how not to go down that rabbit hole, and how to actually respond to students/parents with mental health first aid. Another place I can help.

  • Public school teaching isn't about getting the curriculum across or banging out those test scores. It never has been. It was sparked by the Progressive Movement. It was a tool attempting to bring social mobility and social assimilation to the masses. And that's what it remains to this day. Somehow, the government decided to hold schools "accountable" through some arbitrary test system. I've been living the dystopic social score system that China is only just getting started with. Our children bear the brunt of it. The teachers carry the rest. It's not worth hanging my self-worth on something so cruel and mean to begin with. It's not worth losing my mental sanity and all of the good things in my life along with it.



    I am not a number.









becckeez 


Location: 804
Gender: Female
Total Likes: 609 likes


trippin.

 |  | 
Re: The Job
< Reply # 8 on 2/22/2019 3:56 PM >
Reply with Quote
Posted on Forum: UER Forum
Day 52.

I officially finished planning for all my classes yesterday. I'm scheduled and stocked with materials/resources to the end. Final exams included.

In all honesty, I'm looking forward to teaching some of the last units. Excited to work with the students on some larger hands-on end of term projects. Excited to finish out a solid year of productive course work.

It's bittersweet. To know it's done. To know it may be the last time I unit plan. After so many years I was finally getting to that place where my curriculum flowed well and I'd accumulated a great bank of materials and resources. It's weird to leave it all behind. But it's also okay. I can leave my stuff for the next person if they want it. I can use those skills some where else. Or ... god forbid. I come back to teaching after a break.

But I need that break.

The other thing this brings up is the satisfaction of being able to focus my efforts on other things. Today I have a number of "chores" I have to get done around the classroom. We have traveling teams spending the weekend in our rooms - so I have to secure my belongings, vacuum, tidy up, etc. But next week will all be about resumes and cover letters and portfolios and the works.

Damn, dog. It's happening.



[last edit 2/22/2019 4:12 PM by becckeez - edited 1 times]

becckeez 


Location: 804
Gender: Female
Total Likes: 609 likes


trippin.

 |  | 
Re: The Job
< Reply # 9 on 3/6/2019 3:35 PM >
Reply with Quote
Posted on Forum: UER Forum
48 Days.


The students are reminding me of cats.

Any little box I begin to pack, they notice. And they've said some things.

It's nerves - I know. Village kids will be village kids.

I'm going to miss them too.

But this job is horrible. And I know I can do more for their future and for mine in a different capacity ... a different way.






becckeez 


Location: 804
Gender: Female
Total Likes: 609 likes


trippin.

 |  | 
Re: The Job
< Reply # 10 on 3/7/2019 3:25 PM >
Reply with Quote
Posted on Forum: UER Forum
47 days.

The dread is creeping back in.

I have evaluations coming up. One of "pacing" should occur within the next few days. I keep trying to tell myself it's ok. I score well on these things - regardless. I keep trying to tell myself it's ok. I don't need these scores anymore. No one else gives a damn about these little evaluation rubrics. No one. So why should I?

Can I use these iObservation rubrics and results on my resume?

Hardly. Possibly in another teaching job. But in all honesty - am I going into another teaching job?

<insert awkward silence>

No?

I know, I know, but it's still got me spiraling. Freaking. Out.

I'm trying to talk myself through this. There's really no need to freak.

No need to rant. To foam at the mouth over things I've gone over time and time before. My decisions have been made. I've never felt comfortable with this institution. I've destroyed myself mentally trying to live up to an ideal someone, I believed others thought I should be. I signed up and went through all of this because I was too afraid to be myself and to do for myself. I was to afraid to let people down. I was too afraid to fail them. I was too afraid to fail. And I've been terrified of it.

Which, I guess, is the real root of everything. Failure.


If I do fail. Even all on my own.

So the fuck what? :::

You've failed before. Oh you've failed hard. And you just. Get up and go and go and go.

So what if you fail this evaluation?

What if you fail all the rest of them this year?


Then you're where you've always been.
Where your father was.
Where your brother is.
Where your grandfather stood.
And his father.

You're a piece of unskilled white trash looking for work. They made it happen, and so will you.



[last edit 3/7/2019 3:27 PM by becckeez - edited 1 times]

becckeez 


Location: 804
Gender: Female
Total Likes: 609 likes


trippin.

 |  | 
Re: The Job
< Reply # 11 on 3/8/2019 3:52 PM >
Reply with Quote
Posted on Forum: UER Forum
46 days.

They've hired my replacement.

I heard it was a teaching couple. A science and social studies teacher combo.

Replace both of the leaves in one swoop.

I heard they're asking around town for housing.

I heard the welcome wasn't so warm.

This freaking place. This stupid job.

46 days left.

P.S. wasn't evaluated yesterday. maybe today?




becckeez 


Location: 804
Gender: Female
Total Likes: 609 likes


trippin.

 |  | 
Re: The Job
< Reply # 12 on 3/13/2019 4:59 PM >
Reply with Quote
Posted on Forum: UER Forum
42 days.

It's about getting in, and getting out.

I'm there to do a job. I do it to the best of my ability, and then I leave.

Go for a walk, take some photos, putz around the interwebs.

The students are
1. safe
2. learning
3. working together
4. in a positive mind space


That's my bottom line. It's happening. So I go home content.

I have parent-teacher conferences on Friday. Silly, seeing as parents can access all the school materials, their student's grade, or me at any moment of the day -- and I still have to set aside an entire day of instruction and planning just to sit and maybe talk to a few overbearing folks that show up. Gah.

Public school teaching blows.

But I'm into the month of March. (Gotta make it to May).
I have spring break soon.
I'll never have to do parent teacher conferences again.
And think of all the skills and key words attributed to this particular activity that could be displayed upon a resume.

Customer Service
Sales
HR
PR
Billing
Receptionist
Analytical research assistant that breaks down complex data into understandable info.
Creates comfortable environment to receive guests - usually to break inconvenient or unfortunate news.
Breaks the ice and collaborates with people of all ages.
Problem solves issues unique to individuals and road maps an understandable and attainable goal plan for each client.


Just. To name a few.


My mom called me on the phone and unloaded some interesting dialogue.
We're pretty much on our own at this point - me, mom, and the broski.
She told me to do what I want. Not to worry how people think or what we thought we were supposed to do all those years back when I was a kid and everything was all so different.

That gives me a little peace.




becckeez 


Location: 804
Gender: Female
Total Likes: 609 likes


trippin.

 |  | 
Re: The Job
< Reply # 13 on 3/14/2019 2:37 PM >
Reply with Quote
Posted on Forum: UER Forum
41 Days

Just leaving this here.
Remember - I teach social studies.

https://www.reuter...inds-idUSKBN1QU0PJ
(Political incivility, racial hostility roil U.S. high schools, study finds)






becckeez 


Location: 804
Gender: Female
Total Likes: 609 likes


trippin.

 |  | 
Re: The Job
< Reply # 14 on 3/22/2019 2:29 PM >
Reply with Quote
Posted on Forum: UER Forum
36 days.


And while I'm currently working in Alaska - I am moving back to Virginia soon. I've had a few offers, but the thought makes me ill. Now this.


https://www.reuter...osed-idUSKCN1R31KY
(Racist Violence Threat Keeps Charlottesville Schools Closed)



Oh, and fascinatingly enough - this. I figured what I had experienced, this summer, was something unique to our little town and our particular sheriff. But, nah, apparently it's become a thing to put teachers through a realistic shooter simulation.

https://www.nbcnew...-drill-say-n986176
(Indiana teachers hurt by Airsoft guns used in active shooter drill say sheriffs went too far)



[last edit 3/22/2019 2:36 PM by becckeez - edited 1 times]

becckeez 


Location: 804
Gender: Female
Total Likes: 609 likes


trippin.

 |  | 
Re: The Job
< Reply # 15 on 3/31/2019 4:57 PM >
Reply with Quote
Posted on Forum: UER Forum
35 days.

I'm nervous about going back in after spring break.

The new teacher keeps emailing me with questions about housing. I no longer know what to tell her.

I really just want to wash my hands of all this.





becckeez 


Location: 804
Gender: Female
Total Likes: 609 likes


trippin.

 |  | 
Re: The Job
< Reply # 16 on 4/6/2019 4:00 PM >
Reply with Quote
Posted on Forum: UER Forum
30 days.


I wish I could articulate these feelings.

I feel helpless in it all.

and

I dread the next 30 days.





The game at this point, is to get in and out - as quicky as possible.
Keeping my head down, passing out papers, shuffling around the classroom, and going home. Zero peeps made, zero shits given.

It's done. 100%. Last Friday was enough to give me the go ahead. We have random kids running around the school "hanging out" that the principal okayed. I brought this up as crazy, asked if they coud at least wear a visitor's pass. Everyone looked at me incredulously. Said I was taking things too seriously. It was a sign of how young and unexperienced I was. Ahaha. <s> Oh, alright then. If that's the case. My apologies.

So hanging out! It's over! I'm done! I can relax! Surely, if the student body can call it quits, I can too! Surely if I'm causing a fuss over consistently enforcing safety procedures I no longer need to worry about keeping up appearances.

Fantastic. </s>

Regardless, it's sent me over, and I'm fucking done. With this place, and these people, and this fucking horrible job. So in and out it is.

Simple, complete. Am I that much closer to being free?

The thought of finally letting go of this charade has me feeling... uplifted?



[last edit 4/8/2019 2:24 PM by becckeez - edited 2 times]

becckeez 


Location: 804
Gender: Female
Total Likes: 609 likes


trippin.

 |  | 
Re: The Job
< Reply # 17 on 4/12/2019 2:26 PM >
Reply with Quote
Posted on Forum: UER Forum
26 days (including today).

Blah.


I had written this whole mega long thing out, but it really doesn't need to be articulated like that.

All that needs to be said is that I only have a few more weeks of teaching this job left.

There's still a lot of heavy lifting before the school year checks out, but I'm confident I'll make it.

¿After that?

I'm not sure. And that's okay.

In fact, it's more than okay. It means I have the whole world open to the possibility of anything - the way every great adventure begins. So, it's time to get excited, to prepare! Not cower and fear and regret.

Cowabunga, kids! Surf's about to get grand.




becckeez 


Location: 804
Gender: Female
Total Likes: 609 likes


trippin.

 |  | 
Re: The Job
< Reply # 18 on 4/19/2019 2:23 PM >
Reply with Quote
Posted on Forum: UER Forum
21 days.

I got an email from my boss yesterday during my sick leave.

He accused me of not allowing students who had used all their bathroom passes to use the restroom. He claims a student claims I told them they wouldn't be able to use the restroom during my class once their hall passes had been used up.


1. All the high school staff told all the high schoolers this at the start of the year; the principal approved this new implementation of bathroom passes.

2. I haven't physically told any student this since the start of year.

3. I was out of work yesterday sick, how could I have said anything?



It's frustrating to have these things pop up. All I can figure is this student has recently filled up their pass log, and is freaking.

Cause they know I don't bullshit.
They know I enforce policy. They know I don't play favorites.
(I'm the only teacher that gives out tardys).

So. They started shitting their pants. Cause, they looked at their passes, remembered the start of the year and tied the two together.

Jumped in front of it by complaining. <sarcasm> Very adult like. </sarcasm>

This job.
This shit.

I'm scared to have to go in and be with these people.

Snakes.




That's the thing though, I'm exhausted from the fear.
It's grinding me down further and further and further.
I'm too tired to be afraid.
But, like a dying animal my adrenaline keeps me going.

Now that's wearing out too. I can feel it.

I didn't do what I'm accused of. And even if I had done what is claimed, I would have just been enforcing a school policy. So, basically, I got bitched out in an email during a sick leave day because a student claimed I was enforcing school rules?

That's not a reflection of me, that's a reflection of this job.

My boss yells at me for doing my job? Or, for someone claiming I'm doing my job.

It's not like he's been down to evaluate me all year, how the fuck would he know what my classes are like?

Why can't I find the strength to be the person I was?
Why can't I roll my eyes, cackle it over, and move on?

Cause this is a joke. This job. A joke. It's why I feel so demoralized. Because it's all a joke, a gag.

So I gotta laugh it off like one. I refuse to lash out in anger. I gotta laugh all the rest of this off. Because, it truly is hilarious when I remember...

There's a whole giant world out there. And.
I'm getting out. I'm getting out. I'm getting out. I'm getting out.




[last edit 4/19/2019 2:38 PM by becckeez - edited 2 times]

becckeez 


Location: 804
Gender: Female
Total Likes: 609 likes


trippin.

 |  | 
Re: The Job
< Reply # 19 on 4/25/2019 1:58 PM >
Reply with Quote
Posted on Forum: UER Forum
17 days.

This is insane. How did we get down to under 20 days left?

Regardless - this isn't a complaint.

I'm traveling into town for a Doctor's appointment today with J. We'll both miss work. I guess that makes it more like 16 work days left. WhatWHAT.

My skin crawls at the thought of having to deal with this. But, for God's sake, it's only a few more weeks.





UER Forum > Journal Index > There and Back Again > The Job (Viewed 2726 times)
1 2  


Add a poll to this thread



This thread is in a public category, and can't be made private.



All content and images copyright 2002-2021 UER.CA and respective creators. Graphical Design by Crossfire.
To contact webmaster, or click to email with problems or other questions about this site: UER CONTACT
View Terms of Service | View Privacy Policy | Server colocation provided by Beanfield
This page was generated for you in 218 milliseconds. Since June 23, 2002, a total of 660197137 pages have been generated.