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UER Forum > Journal Index > There and Back Again > The Big Quit. (Viewed 1070 times)
The Big Quit.
entry by becckeez 
12/26/2018 8:03 PM

I quit smoking cigarettes. My dear, dear, dearest friends. Or is that the withdrawal talking?

I might make some replies here. The nicotine detox is next to unbearable. Anything to distract would help.

Cheers and salute! to the folks who've muscled through and quit before. This is no easy task.


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becckeez 


Location: 804
Gender: Female
Total Likes: 609 likes


trippin.

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Re: The Big Quit.
< Reply # 1 on 12/26/2018 8:05 PM >
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Posted on Forum: UER Forum
So this is how you reply?
Cool.


This is Day 005 of no smokes!
- started the morning off with finding an armpit zit
- somehow worked myself up into thinking the armpit zit is a cancerous breast tumor.
- cried on/off for about 2 hours
- pitifully called my mother and point blank sobbed into the phone
- after sobbing, somehow worked up the courage to go grab a coffee
- walked by some smokers ... Oh, my, god. It. smelt. SO DELICIOUS.
- stared at the bathroom wall for about an hour; i'm on vacation, but I had no idea how to spend my time
- even after coffee and food, felt exhausted, took a random nap (I keep taking random naps. the exhaustion won't wear off)
- kicked around the corner again. continued to fret over things that didn't matter. anxiety, anxiety, anxiety.







[last edit 12/27/2018 1:16 AM by becckeez - edited 1 times]

becckeez 


Location: 804
Gender: Female
Total Likes: 609 likes


trippin.

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Re: The Big Quit.
< Reply # 2 on 12/27/2018 5:07 PM >
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Here's to Day 006!
- Armpit zit actually hurts less, maybe it really isn't cancer! (ahahaha)
- added another block to the length of my "whatever walk"; the walk I take when I now get whatever. It's becoming my go-to thing. The new block includes the coffee shop in town. Bonus.
- Got a coffee, made it home in less than 10 minutes. Positive.
- technically on vacation, but tried going in to work to do some paperwork. work and smoking is where it all began... this might be the hardest bond to break, but it must be done!
- got the jitters and turned the car around. drove home.
- took some deep breaths and tried again. Nicotine is such a little bitch.
- got stuff done around the office, but it felt like forever
- nothing my husband says sound right. nothing I say sounds right to him. gr.



[last edit 12/27/2018 10:45 PM by becckeez - edited 3 times]

becckeez 


Location: 804
Gender: Female
Total Likes: 609 likes


trippin.

 |  | 
Re: The Big Quit.
< Reply # 3 on 12/29/2018 5:20 AM >
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Day 007
- cravings still.
- digestion issues, but I digress.
- more walking, a lot more walking.
- photography is super therapeutic for me, and I should continue to pursue it as a "hobby".
- restless, restless, restless.
- lunch was hard. cravings hit hard.
- long nap. exhaustion crept up and hit me out of no where. thank god I didn't have work today.
- more walking.
- 8:25PM makes an entire week. an entire week. HOLY COW!




becckeez 


Location: 804
Gender: Female
Total Likes: 609 likes


trippin.

 |  | 
Re: The Big Quit.
< Reply # 4 on 12/30/2018 4:25 AM >
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Day 008
- today was rough on the cravings.
- stuff is a little less painful, but still overall horrible.
- I know I gotta buck up. I'm just a lazy slob.
- either way.




becckeez 


Location: 804
Gender: Female
Total Likes: 609 likes


trippin.

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Re: The Big Quit.
< Reply # 5 on 12/30/2018 4:46 PM >
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Day 009.
- sleep was still miserable.
- morning was much better.
- added another block to the morning walk.
- is my ass getting fatter? or bigger? or...? the walking maybe?
- chores, for whatever reason I feel like cleaning a lot of shit.
- working on "new dishes" in an attempt to eat better; tonight I try split pea soup.
- soup was decent enough.
- more walking.
- not smoking is feeling a bit more routine.
- day at a time.



[last edit 12/31/2018 3:48 AM by becckeez - edited 1 times]

becckeez 


Location: 804
Gender: Female
Total Likes: 609 likes


trippin.

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Re: The Big Quit.
< Reply # 6 on 1/5/2019 5:57 PM >
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Day 015
- missed some logs, but I'm still here: no smokes
- the last few days have been ROUGH
- sleep is still short and full of tosses/turns
- apparently my digestive system relied on nicotine to get anything done; wondering how long this kind of discomfort usually lasts.
- physical cravings are way down, but I've been having some issues with my blood sugar at high craving hour (lunch and late evening).
- surprisingly, despite the depression and ROUGH stuff I've been able to keep up with my walking, and my photography practices. this is pretty huge. I guess I'm developing some real coping mechanisms...
- my winter break is almost over, this terrifies me
- been having waves of anxiety and depression. not sure if this is a part of my normal mental ills, or withdrawal. fuck, am I a mess.



[last edit 1/5/2019 6:02 PM by becckeez - edited 3 times]

becckeez 


Location: 804
Gender: Female
Total Likes: 609 likes


trippin.

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Re: The Big Quit.
< Reply # 7 on 1/21/2019 2:20 PM >
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Day 031.

I'm still here! Yes! A complete month!
- most withdrawal symptoms have edged off.
- cravings are rare, and last 2-3 minutes at the most.
- sleep is still a mess (surprise, surprise) but digestion is better
- time, I have so much more time on my hands.
- emotions and thinking becoming more and more clear
- symptoms now include taking my life and health a lot more seriously, standing tall, ... could this be ... self-respect?

Self respect. Enough self respect to take a few steps forward in the right direction. Enough self respect to suck it up, and be brave and just go through with it: Today I go in to my boss, and tell him I'm quitting my job.




I won't be quitting immediately. I intend on working through to the end of my contract (May 2019). The point, is that I have no intention of renewing my contract. I have no intention on finishing the school/landlord's lease on that horrible apartment. I have every intention of respecting myself enough to pack my bags, grab my cat, jump in the car, and drive the fuck outta here.


I think J. put it the best: "Don't be worried about today, be excited. It's the first day of our next grand adventure."

He's right.

We've been through so much. I can't let something like this drag me down.

So in the spirit of Big Quits. Here we go.





[last edit 1/21/2019 2:34 PM by becckeez - edited 3 times]

becckeez 


Location: 804
Gender: Female
Total Likes: 609 likes


trippin.

 |  | 
Re: The Big Quit.
< Reply # 8 on 1/26/2019 5:05 PM >
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Posted on Forum: UER Forum
Day 036
- the lows have been low
- the cravings have come back
- sadness




becckeez 


Location: 804
Gender: Female
Total Likes: 609 likes


trippin.

 |  | 
Re: The Big Quit.
< Reply # 9 on 1/28/2019 3:12 AM >
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Posted on Forum: UER Forum
Day 037
- I gotta remember that this shit is all in my head
- I gotta remember I've dealt with worse
- I gotta remember
- I gotta be brave this go round




becckeez 


Location: 804
Gender: Female
Total Likes: 609 likes


trippin.

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Re: The Big Quit.
< Reply # 10 on 1/29/2019 5:33 AM >
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Day 038
- these logs help.
- today was hard again.
- is this all in my head?
- i wish I could pack and leave today...
- but i gotta hold on tight. hold on man.




becckeez 


Location: 804
Gender: Female
Total Likes: 609 likes


trippin.

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Re: The Big Quit.
< Reply # 11 on 2/9/2019 10:18 AM >
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Day 50.
- weight gain. ugh.
- can we talk about the funeral?


I'm frustrated because I was successfully rebuilding habits and coping mechanisms and then BOOM - death in the family. Whisk away to the other side of the North American continent. Deal with that. Habits left to rot. Dun dun dun. Mental breakdown. Now today.

I guess the only thing to do - is to restart. Just... pick my raggedy ass up and start over. I can't be super blamed for what happened. I coped the best I could with the funeral, and to be honest... I should be really proud of the fact I got through all that without relapsing. The fact that my coping mechanisms... well, they didn't all break down.

So am I just rambling?

It's officially taken just over an hour for the Advil to 100% kick in on my menstrual monstrosity cramps that decided to wake me up at 12:10 am in the morning. But, the cramps are finally gone. I can finally crawl back into bed and sleep.




becckeez 


Location: 804
Gender: Female
Total Likes: 609 likes


trippin.

 |  | 
Re: The Big Quit.
< Reply # 12 on 2/15/2019 10:47 PM >
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Posted on Forum: UER Forum
Day 55.
- my brain is still rewiring itself. My emotions go up and down and all over the place. Less low than a few logs ago. Trying my best to develop new coping mechanisms.
- started seeing a doctor. legit trying to get help with my mental state, and take care myself physically.
- dragged myself to the dentist, starting to repair teeth damage.
- it's been super cold, i haven't been able to walk as much
- life, and my perspective on it is at -Eh. better than doomsday level.
- overwhelmed. lots of changes and big deal things going on, no nicotine this go round.

Hard to believe, but I crutched out on EVERY MAJOR STRESSOR in my life between the years of 2008 - 2019. That's a decade. A decade worth of stress, I hid behind cigarettes. Ugh. Bullshit.

Those no-smoking advertisements should talk about those sort of things.

How you're back to dealing with stress like a fucking teenager (when I started smoking). Granted, pieces of me I haven't seen in YEARS are resurfacing - but not all these pieces are great. There are so many overwhelming emotions and regrets and fears and anxieties and doubts and uuuugggh.

Bullshit.

Things'll get better. They already are.



[last edit 2/17/2019 5:37 PM by becckeez - edited 1 times]

becckeez 


Location: 804
Gender: Female
Total Likes: 609 likes


trippin.

 |  | 
Re: The Big Quit.
< Reply # 13 on 2/17/2019 5:38 PM >
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Day 57
- are things getting better, or worse?




becckeez 


Location: 804
Gender: Female
Total Likes: 609 likes


trippin.

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Re: The Big Quit.
< Reply # 14 on 2/20/2019 1:21 AM >
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Day 60 - two months.


Things are getting real.

Cravings still come and go. Once to twice a day. They last maybe 60-200 seconds a piece.


Developments since day 001 no smokes:
- my skins looks better
- my breath is better
- I'm no longer clearing my throat multiple times in a conversation
- my circulation is better, the cold is much less cold
- the wheeze is gone
- I can run without an asthma attack
- saved over $300
- car is a lot cleaner
- people comment on my perfume, i think this is the first time people have smelt it
- I'm more physically active (outside and in bed)
- morning Nausea eliminated
- I put more time into things I used to enjoy


Overall, a lot of positives. I hit a few walls of depression. My anxiety is still a problem. But I'm getting professional help for those things for the first time. So, I guess, better even in that respect ;)


This shit is hard, but Ima keep going. I can do this.



[last edit 2/20/2019 1:23 AM by becckeez - edited 1 times]

becckeez 


Location: 804
Gender: Female
Total Likes: 609 likes


trippin.

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Re: The Big Quit.
< Reply # 15 on 3/13/2019 1:19 AM >
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Posted on Forum: UER Forum
Day 81.



So. Many. Emotions.

And a little weight gain.




F%@K.




becckeez 


Location: 804
Gender: Female
Total Likes: 609 likes


trippin.

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Re: The Big Quit.
< Reply # 16 on 3/19/2019 2:28 PM >
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Day 88.


I'm so close to three months. Something in the back of my head tells me I should have a cigarette to celebrate.


Hahahahahahahahaha. Nicotine addiction, you piece of garbage.




becckeez 


Location: 804
Gender: Female
Total Likes: 609 likes


trippin.

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Re: The Big Quit.
< Reply # 17 on 4/3/2019 3:41 AM >
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Posted on Forum: UER Forum
Day 102.

You're seeing right! Over 3 months, over 100 days - no cigarettes, no nicotine.
C O L D T U R K E Y.

Heh.

It's been really hard.
I've gone through some stuff.
I still have a pile of things to sort through.


It's getting there.





becckeez 


Location: 804
Gender: Female
Total Likes: 609 likes


trippin.

 |  | 
Re: The Big Quit.
< Reply # 18 on 4/13/2019 4:02 PM >
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Day 113.
- weight gain has been "under control" lately. I've gone up about 5-10 lbs from where I was. Honestly though, 100 lbs wasn't cute on me anyway.
- strange spike in cravings lately.
- I think about riding down to the market, picking up a pack of smokes; my whole body anticipates the nicotine rush. I know smoking would be a horrible idea, but I've really missed it the last week.
- this morning is the first morning I've woken up with hard cravings, an urge to go outside and walk it off, since the 1st month.
- I know that the craves shouldn't really matter... "technically" the nicotine should be out of my system by now. Right?
- I'll get through this, I can do this.



Time to go walk this out.



[last edit 4/13/2019 4:04 PM by becckeez - edited 1 times]

becckeez 


Location: 804
Gender: Female
Total Likes: 609 likes


trippin.

 |  | 
Re: The Big Quit.
< Reply # 19 on 4/25/2019 2:08 PM >
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Posted on Forum: UER Forum
Day 125.

I stoped for a conversation with Smokey yesterday. It was great.

It wasn't until after I had walked away that I had realized...he'd been smoking a cigarette the entire time.
That's why he was standing outside for me to have a conversation with him in the first place. For months my brain has gravitated towards smoking, but in this instance, I hadn't even noticed.


Here's to 4 months!




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