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UER Forum > Journal Index > Citizen's blundering pseudo-UE journal > 5/7/04 - The Job Interview Farce. (Viewed 1682 times)
5/7/04 - The Job Interview Farce.
entry by Citizen 
7/5/2004 6:13 AM

Not a great deal is happening here on the UE front, mainly due, at least peripherally, to my quest for a new job. The worst thing about unemployment, I think, is having all sorts of free time available do things, but no money to do them with. Which brings me to my upcoming job interviews.
For those of you who are still at school, in college or otherwise have yet to experience one for yourselves, I should point out the one basic truth about these things. Along with "employee consultation" and the drivel from deluded lower managers (sorry, team leaders) on how every worker's "development" is ever so valued in the big, happy democracy that is your workplace, the job interview is the biggest crock of shit you'll ever encounter in your working life.
The typical interview is spent sitting across a desk from one or two people while you earnestly explain how there's really nothing you want more from life than to be a filing clerk at their dynamic, results-orientated business, all the while talking yourself up into some sort of uber-worker so brilliant that there's arguably no way in hell you'd be applying for their crappy job to begin with. You're also expected to explain why their lives will be just so much better if they pick you to file away their old invoices rather than anyone else, and how you're applying, not because you need money to live, but because of your burning, life-long passion for the canned food/parcel delivery/box making industry.
There's also a fair amount of preparation that needs to be done in advance. Money that could have been better spent of some nice lenses, film, various disguises, and an anodized aluminum shockproof, waterproof, crushproof, variable-beam mega-torch with more LEDs than you can shake a stick at instead has to be wasted on a new shirt, new shoes, new trousers, a nice haircut and so on. Everyone will tell you that it's the first impression that counts at these sorts of things, and your goal is to end up looking so good that the (hopefully female) interviewer becomes overwhelmed by sheer animal lust; letting go of all reason to slam you down onto the desk before ravishing you in a fit of bestial passion that leaves you unable to walk properly, let alone pee, for at least a week.
Of course, there's no way that's ever going to actually happen, at least not without a considerable amount of money changing hands. I usually end up settling for looking like the semi-nerdy, straight-laced type who'll be just so gosh-wow excited at the prospect of Expanding My Skill-set while Liasing with their Valued Clients (read: answering phones), will want to do nice things for them, and who'll be delighted to remain there as an "asset to the company" for the next fifty years of life in hopes of gradually ascending to the rarefied ranks of middle management before finally hitting retirement age and getting that gold-plated watch.
As well as costing a lot of money, there's also a lot of time involved. I've had to write out a new resume (now fortified with 75% added lies, which I really should be memorising right now instead of writing this), lining up references (friends at companies I've claimed to work at, who'll pretend to have been my supervisor should anyone call) and thinking up stock answers to stupid and decidedly unsexy questions like "So what do you think you can bring to this company that nobody else can?"
They really do ask things like that.

[last edit 2/6/2005 11:23 AM by Citizen - edited 2 times]
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UER Forum > Journal Index > Citizen's blundering pseudo-UE journal > 5/7/04 - The Job Interview Farce. (Viewed 1682 times)

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