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| The Job entry by becckeez 1/24/2019 3:37 PM
| Today's the day my teaching soul died.
I left work after the final bell in a rush. Technically, I'm required to stay an extra 45 minutes to help students with homework after school, but I felt very unwell. I hate this job. I reached out to the single behavioral specialist officer that existed within 400+ miles. Living in rural Alaska means limited access to health care options. I'm stubborn about doctors, regardless.... but I have been very unwell. I feel very unwell. I hate this job. After having myself talked down from the metaphorical with the possibility of becoming real - edge of a 5,000ft jump - I came home, exhausted, and to an angry email from my boss. Today, I'm required to go in and talk (defend) myself. I always seem to wind up here. My entire life - every major turning point was sparked in the same damn place - the principal's office. So I've decided to take a different stroke this go round. I'm older, and possibly even smarter (exhausted) than before. I've decided to play stupid, and do whatever I'm told. "Jump? How high sir? Yes sir. Thank you sir." I'm honestly too tired and unwell to fight any of this nonsense. I've been really unwell. I feel pretty unwell this morning. I'm going to allow my principal to change grades in my gradebook (lie) so that certain students and parents will not receive "bad grades" or not get to practice their sport. I'm going to lie about the quality, and effort of work students put in. I'm going to hand out easy work so that they won't fail. I'm going to spend time at my desk surfing the internet while they do the easy work. I'm going to plug in the easy grades so that all the students are always passing. I'm going to be called the best teacher, and they're all going to miss me when I leave. Today, my true teaching soul died. And I finally became the postmodern teacher. The instructor we all crave.
[last edit 1/24/2019 3:41 PM by becckeez - edited 2 times] Modify Entry |
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Comments: (use Reply to add a comment) becckeez
Location: 804 Gender: Female Total Likes: 648 likes
trippin.
| | | Re: The Job < Reply # 2 on 1/28/2019 3:23 PM > | Reply with Quote
| | | 74 more days until I'm really all free of this. Just 74. I'm gonna choose to go in for the money, and not the message. Assignments have been outlined on "google classroom" and the students can access them there. I can essentially preform the duties a substitute does. I'm confident a few people will be irked by this response, but those few people do not deserve to suck out my light and love like vampires - not anymore. This job truly takes life force to work, and I'm tired of people taking MY LIFE FORCE. I know it sounds buggy - no one understands what I mean when I say these things. But I honestly feel like to teach in public school you have to really CARE about what you're doing. CARING so much opens you up to all kinds of emotional attacks and baggage that you then deal with on top of the effort of CARING about everyone, all the time. Eventually, you just run out of time to care about yourself, or anything else for that matter. And that's how you end up here, where I am now. I'm exhausted, and terrified of going into work - but in 74 days it will all be over. I want to really flesh this out. I want me - in the future - to be able to look back at this, and other things I've written down. I want the future me to remember how horrible this all was so maybe, just maybe, I can be happier in the work I do find. Public school teaching is even more miserable than public schooling. You serve a single purpose - being a punching bag for society's ills. And while, at this point, it's been readily proven I have above average "emotional intelligence" it doesn't take a near-psychic to sit and eat society's shit. In fact, someone so "sensitive" should be miles away from such a toxic job. It's not that I'm weak, or have slowly gotten weak. You know. It's just. It's a toxic job. I honestly didn't sign up for this. I'm honestly not going to be happy contributing like this. I'm getting the fuck out in 74 days.
[last edit 1/28/2019 3:27 PM by becckeez - edited 2 times]
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| becckeez
Location: 804 Gender: Female Total Likes: 648 likes
trippin.
| | | Re: The Job < Reply # 5 on 2/1/2019 3:11 PM > | Reply with Quote
| | | The shrink I see keeps telling me I"m a good teacher. He'd hate to see me walk away from a career path I excel at. This small town bullshit. How would it be possible for him to know jack shit? We literally just had a meeting on using "evidence" to base my thought process around. It's frustrating. Maybe I am a good teacher. I used to put A LOT of work into it. I'm also an empath, raised in the church. I watched my mother heal others for a living. In a discrete way, I made that a part of my job as well. So yeah, maybe he's right. And maybe the evidence he has is from other sessions he's had from my students or parents in this small 800 population of a town. Maybe they've said some things. Or maybe, he has solid evidence from my evaluations he reads and has approved for the last two years as my school board president. Maybe it's the impact I've had on his daughter, and the kindness I've tried to show his family. The wine I bought Sara for her birthday. The effort I put into updating the curriculum to include lessons on their heritage, and be more culturally responsive. The fact I ran a school newspaper for free for the benefit of the students. The reality that I come into his office sobbing, falling apart, but turn it around into a smile the following day for the students. The fact that I'd still blame myself over faulting any other person. But if those are the pieces of evidence. Hard reality I choose to use... then the conversation shifts. He's right. Logically, and emotionally now. I have no urge to off myself. Instead, I'm angry. I'm angry that I went back to the public education system.; something that tried to eat me alive as a child. I went back to it, and allowed it to gnaw on me for another half decade more. I'm angry that I haven't been using the kindness and gifts the universe gave me on something more productive. Something where more kindness could be done. To be honest, I went into public teaching because I liked teaching, and I thought that if I could at least not be an jerk teacher, that would could cancel out the efforts of an actual jerk teacher. [Haha... I can't believe my original goal was to just not be an ass to people.] I've lost sight of that goal over the years. I've made this journey out to be a lot of things I never originally intended it to be about. So I guess, in the end. I'm just angry. I'm angry I've squandered my talents, and my youth on such a futile sack of shit that is the public edu system. Will I be able to bounce back? Find another job? Possible career track? Will my health and mental sanity return? Regardless, being angry is better than wanting to off myself. So, maybe it is possible to move on.
[last edit 2/1/2019 3:24 PM by becckeez - edited 3 times]
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| becckeez
Location: 804 Gender: Female Total Likes: 648 likes
trippin.
| | | Re: The Job < Reply # 16 on 4/6/2019 4:00 PM > | Reply with Quote
| | | 30 days.
I wish I could articulate these feelings. I feel helpless in it all. and I dread the next 30 days.
The game at this point, is to get in and out - as quicky as possible. Keeping my head down, passing out papers, shuffling around the classroom, and going home. Zero peeps made, zero shits given. It's done. 100%. Last Friday was enough to give me the go ahead. We have random kids running around the school "hanging out" that the principal okayed. I brought this up as crazy, asked if they coud at least wear a visitor's pass. Everyone looked at me incredulously. Said I was taking things too seriously. It was a sign of how young and unexperienced I was. Ahaha. <s> Oh, alright then. If that's the case. My apologies. So hanging out! It's over! I'm done! I can relax! Surely, if the student body can call it quits, I can too! Surely if I'm causing a fuss over consistently enforcing safety procedures I no longer need to worry about keeping up appearances. Fantastic. </s> Regardless, it's sent me over, and I'm fucking done. With this place, and these people, and this fucking horrible job. So in and out it is. Simple, complete. Am I that much closer to being free? The thought of finally letting go of this charade has me feeling... uplifted?
[last edit 4/8/2019 2:24 PM by becckeez - edited 2 times]
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| becckeez
Location: 804 Gender: Female Total Likes: 648 likes
trippin.
| | | Re: The Job < Reply # 18 on 4/19/2019 2:23 PM > | Reply with Quote
| | | 21 days. I got an email from my boss yesterday during my sick leave. He accused me of not allowing students who had used all their bathroom passes to use the restroom. He claims a student claims I told them they wouldn't be able to use the restroom during my class once their hall passes had been used up.
1. All the high school staff told all the high schoolers this at the start of the year; the principal approved this new implementation of bathroom passes. 2. I haven't physically told any student this since the start of year. 3. I was out of work yesterday sick, how could I have said anything?
It's frustrating to have these things pop up. All I can figure is this student has recently filled up their pass log, and is freaking. Cause they know I don't bullshit. They know I enforce policy. They know I don't play favorites. (I'm the only teacher that gives out tardys). So. They started shitting their pants. Cause, they looked at their passes, remembered the start of the year and tied the two together. Jumped in front of it by complaining. <sarcasm> Very adult like. </sarcasm> This job. This shit. I'm scared to have to go in and be with these people. Snakes.
That's the thing though, I'm exhausted from the fear. It's grinding me down further and further and further. I'm too tired to be afraid. But, like a dying animal my adrenaline keeps me going. Now that's wearing out too. I can feel it. I didn't do what I'm accused of. And even if I had done what is claimed, I would have just been enforcing a school policy. So, basically, I got bitched out in an email during a sick leave day because a student claimed I was enforcing school rules? That's not a reflection of me, that's a reflection of this job. My boss yells at me for doing my job? Or, for someone claiming I'm doing my job. It's not like he's been down to evaluate me all year, how the fuck would he know what my classes are like? Why can't I find the strength to be the person I was? Why can't I roll my eyes, cackle it over, and move on? Cause this is a joke. This job. A joke. It's why I feel so demoralized. Because it's all a joke, a gag. So I gotta laugh it off like one. I refuse to lash out in anger. I gotta laugh all the rest of this off. Because, it truly is hilarious when I remember... There's a whole giant world out there. And. I'm getting out. I'm getting out. I'm getting out. I'm getting out.
[last edit 4/19/2019 2:38 PM by becckeez - edited 2 times]
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