Tales from the drains7 th July 1998

One eyed Willey's Treasure and the Crown Casino follies.

City Tunnel beckons the drain explorer, being so close to the heart of UA City. We were determined to explore this drain, even though it meant a walk in the UA City River.

For some reason a pontoon was moored on the UA City River right near City Tunnel so we figured we may as well explore the drain. Armed with a tidal chart the three of us rode into the city on public transport, seeing as how we figured that we didn�t want to get into the car after walking in the UA City River.

We arrived at the pontoon and walked to the end of it. The UA City River, even in the day does not look inviting, and we were planing to pop into it in the evening. We stood at the end of the pontoon and debated weather we should do it or not. I can say I wasn�t keen but I figured if we didn�t do it then, we never would. So I gingerly lowered myself into the water, which was surprisingly warm. With me on the way the others followed me.

The bottom of the UA City River is an experience all of its own and not one you want to experience believe me. The bottom is covered in thick mud which sucks you down. Here I was, walking chest high in the UA City River, with the mud sucking on my shoes and the water getting deeper. It got to shoulder deep by the time I made the entrance to City Tunnel.

We made it to the entrance of the tunnel, very glad to get out of the water. We stood up in the evening air, which was cold, but we soon started walking up the tunnel. We had to dodge this huge water flow from a burst water pipe and in doing so we discovered the bottom of the tunnel was slippery as crap. We headed up the smelly tunnel to a split and chose the larger of the two tunnels. Big mistake!

City Tunnel is a drain explorers nightmare. It is slippery as shit, it stinks, there�s nothing much to see and its' just crap. We went up maybe 300 meters which took us about twenty minutes because it was so slippery. Not only was it slippery but the bottom wasn�t even flat so you had to stand on these old red bricks with your feet always on an angle. It took us too long to decide to exit in my opinion.

On the way out the tide had risen a bit. This meant that where the water had been shoulder high, it was now neck high. Id exited first, followed by Emor who soon passed him and then me. We were eager as crap to get back on dry land and in our haste Emor passed Id. Id, forced out into deeper water was on the verge began to panic and I wouldn�t blame him if he did. ( excuse the language here, I�m trying to recapture the moment) " Shit Emor get out of the way, I can�t touch the bottom." I was trying to pass Id at the time in even deeper water and was even more worried. " Fuck! The water�s too deep. I can�t touch the bottom either. I�m floating! I�m swimming in the bloody UA City River!" I was really pissed off now because I had to use my back pack as a flotation device and I had stuff in it. On top of that I got UA City River water on my face.

We found a ladder and climbed out of the river to the amazement of two teenagers. " One Eyed Willey�s pirate ship is down there." We explained as we climbed the ladder. I just about flopped over the rail and threw my pack onto the pavement. God help anyone who would try to steal it. Keep it I figured. With the three of us in relative safety I opened my pack and put on a shirt inside which had amazingly stayed dry.

We figured, seeing as how we were as messy as anything, we may as well do Bob�s which is another pretty crap drain but at least it was interesting. We wandered around, got lost thanks to my wise directions (no one else offered directions) and after a none too friendly chat with a garage mechanic who was convinced we were trying to steal his cars (of course, we muck covered beings would want a car, its' only logical, makes perfect sense, clear as mud), we found the entrance to the drain and popped on in.

It was Emor�s turn to give wrong directions (yes, we take turns at this, its more fun that way) as we walked down the smaller of two side by side drains that met at a junction. The last back breaking stoop found us waist deep in slime and crap filled water. Thankfully that soon shallows and we wandered rapidly down the drain, each trying to outpace each other in our hunt for cash, valuables and credit cards which are always found in that drain (we scored 4 credit cards, a petrol card and assorted other stuff - all of no use and almost no value).

We walked through the midnight forest and the peat moors to the pump room. We climbed up to the walkway where Emor and I waited for the pumps to start. Standing on the walkway Emor yelled. " The gates are opening, the gates are opening!" These gates are three watertight gates which open on to the UA City River. We had explained to Id that the drain was below the level of the river, and if the gates ever opened water would come pouring in. This is perfectly true.

What was not true was that the gates were opening. They were not, it was just the pump starting up. Emor and I played the situation for all it was worth and Id stood there in fear, expecting a deluge of water I expect.

The pumps stopped and Emor and I said we had better get out of there fast before the gates really opened. So we all but ran for a side exit pipe and headed for the gutterbox. The exit was not easy, the grille weighed a tonne and I admire Emor�s strength in opening the thing.

So we popped out of the drain and walked off towards Crown Casino, covered in crap and smelling worse. We were saved from travelling home in the crap by the Crown Casino fountains.

Picture this, you�re sitting in your car at a red light, when from out of the darkness three figures walk covered in so much mud and crap that they make the creature from the black lagoon look like a runner up in the Miss Universe contest. As you watch, these three creatures walk into the fountain near the road, and fully clothed they write about. Only then you realise these are in fact human and they appear to be washing themselves off. �So that�s where all that farmer�s topsoil went� you think as you watch mud pour off the trio.

Well, that�s probably what a couple of motorists thought. We provided a good laugh for a couple of guys in their hotted up Commodore as we washed off. The sad thing was, that even though it was around midnight, washing off in the fountain was a good deal better than walking around in mud filled cloths.

Apparently a couple of Id�s mates had explored a drain in the city and were sitting at Flinders street station all covered in mud when the Salvos turned up and mistook them for homeless teenagers. They asked them if they had somewhere to live and then asked if everything was all right at home.

Still covered in a mild amount of muck we headed for the station and then home. That night I had three showers, and another one again in the morning.

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