|Its been a while. . .|
entry by dirt
1/8/2010 2:41 AM
|I have a good lot on my mind these days, although not the words to adequately record them. As of late, I have been practicing listening to my higher power. Its like a voice in ones head much like a thought, but it answers questions from a place of knowing, instead of blind guesses. Answers that know things that are otherwise unknown to the ego. A few nights ago, I talked to someone I had a bit of a crush on, and things got a bit hot and heavy, and we agreed to talk again. Afterwards, I had an idea of teaching what I know about the occult, while having a flirty type of relationship. I knew that I would be working the next couple of days, so I thought I would let her know, as well as explain my idea(which was to give her a sorta step by step introduction into spirituality as I know it). But then I got a hit from my higher power, although not in words. It was an impression. It gave me idea of "don't write". So I didn't. |
Today, I decided to be direct. One of the things about being polyamourous is that (which I am to an extent) is being clear and direct. I did so, an I all I got was that she was happy with her husband and didn't want another. A good answer, but not what I was getting at. I asked what she wanted from me. And it seems her mind was to wrapped up in sex to see that what I wanted was a mirror at which to clearly view myself. My being damaged around sexuality, and feeling unable to own manhood in a healthy way, I was hoping to have a teacher myself. It comes out that this was not to be. My higher power knew that this was coming. And I was also right. She did have something to teach me: what my higher power sounds like.
Anyhow, so that only part of the drama. As I mentioned, I'm polyamourous, although I do not act on it most of the time. When I do, it is through flirtation. Last night, the concept of polyamoury was brought up again. Last time my girlfriend of 4 years touched upon the subject we came to the agreement that I would put dating others on the back burner till I was in a better place socially and financially. Then I read a passage in a book that mirrored my own experiences almost exactly. And in it he chose polyamoury. I read that chapter to my Girlfriend not because of his choice, but because what was his experience and the ideas surrounding that(the book by the way is 2012 by Daniel Pinchbeck page 303). Then we started talking about what had been put on the back burner. At the end, I had this dilemma in front of me. I chose Andrea, and it is my goal to help her heal some of her wounds as we grow together. And I realized that enable to do that, I need to explore myself and my sexuality. At this point, she is less than enthusiastic about this. I would say that it is to such an extent that I risk my relationship, something I am unwilling to do. And yet is I don't, the spiritual status quo will be upheld. Andrea is a powerful person. My intuition says that she is one of the people who will drastically change the world and yet will get no mention for it. She is a healer, her path so she tells me, is that of a the sacred whore.
So where Am I left? Dealing yet again with a broken system that has everything in it's proper place. I see great pain in the future. But I refuse to let things go as they have been. Our world is spinning out of control. Spirituality is missing in everything we do. And so our industrial complex rapes everything. A retarded child born of misguided parents. Time is now all ours to do away with.
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