On December 25th, 2006 I met my biological father for the first time in my entire life. The first time I ever saw him was when my older sister (not the same father, we are half-sisters.) tracked him down and I finally received a picture of him in an email.


I talked to him for the first time ever November 5th at about 10pm. We talked on the phone every single day until I finally got to meet him in December. After that, we talked nearly every day and always have until recently.

Everything was so great... I finally had a dad. A read dad, not a step dad. Someone I actually called dad for the first time in my entire life. I went to a family reunion... I met a younger sister (that share's my daughters name, coincidentally) An older brother, lots of cousins, nieces, nephews, uncles and aunts. It was amazing to finally be with family that I looked like and be a part of a family so big. Watching my girls with my dad, I saw something that I never thought I would see... A look at what it might have been like, had he been in my life when I was their age by watching him interact with them, as they are so much like me when I was their age.

My dad is a great man in my eyes... served in Vietnam and had many other accomplishments. I'm proud to be his daughter. However, he is very racist. He cannot stand black people. I'm not racist, and generally I follow the Barney rule of seeing whats on the inside of people. Looks are looks... and I don't judge people by them.

I decided to dread my hair. My dad told me that he didn't like it... told me not to. I guess I didn't think he really meant it, or I just didn't care.. I don't remember which, but of course, I did the dreads.

He talked to me after the dreads, he was in the hospital but told me not to come right then because he'd be going home soon. He had 5 heart attacks in a week or something crazy like that. So I stayed .. I did not travel to visit him at his request. He never said it was because of my hair.

Ok, anyway, I'll get to the point. My niece and nephew, ages 10 and 8 want to come visit me in Fort Worth from the Houston area. I told them I'd come get them for a week in the summer... which is now. I wanted to come next weekend.. i was looking forward to it and so were they. Next thing I know my 10 year old niece is talking to me on messenger and telling me they can't come that week because her dad has to work too much. That didn't make sense. That would be all the more reason to come that particular week. So then she told me the truth. They are going to my dads family reunion. On top of that, my dad told them not to tell me... and they are going! and of all times, the week I wanted to spend with my niece and nephew.

So needless to say, I'm very hurt... he's not even her dad. He's disowned me for my hair, but it's ok if you're my sister or brother in law who are not the best parents, my sisters husband doesn't work, plays WOW all day, it's almost ended their marriage 4 times and he smokes all day indoors when the kids have breathing problems, slaps them around, been investigated by CPS and I have seen him physically abuse a cat who crapped outside the litter box.

That's way better than your daughter who has dread locks.

Well that really sucks. Well it's good to see that you turned out just fine without your real dad. But fuck 'em. I don't know the reason he wasn't involved in your live before you met him, but with that huge void, and then this hair thing. Forget it. Don't waste your time. I know that sounds a bit harsh, but that's just my opinion from this quick overview, and this is of course UER...
Sorry to hear that though...it really sucks.

"he smokes all day indoors when the kids have breathing problems, slaps them around, been investigated by CPS and I have seen him physically abuse a cat who crapped outside the litter box."

Seriously...I want to bootfuck this asshole... physically abusing animals or people means he should deserve a severe ass rape.

I'm on the other side of a similar situation.

My stepdad can be an asshole, that much is certain, but his kids wanted nothing to do with him unless he was going to give them money or if there was something else they wanted.

Now, I'm not saying that you're that kind of person, please don't mistake this. It's just sometimes, it's warranted, in your case...it's sad as hell and I can't believe they treated you that way. In mine...my stepbrothers and stepsisters are trash, mostly drug addicted scumbags that are in and out of jail.

With my family, one of my sisters has schizophrenia, the other is married and has a 16 month old kid. Her husband works where I do in a different department, she has an Associates Degree and a pretty good job for the local ARC worksite where they make canoe seats. Me, I have an Associates Degree in Math and Science and a halfway decent job with International Paper.

I looked at my stepsister when she was bitching about my stepdad not wanting anything to do with her or her kids and basically asked her, "Which would you choose? Kids that you have to support and can't be decent people or kids that can support you and are decent people?" Needless to say, she never came back, I haven't seen her since her oldest was a year and a half. He's probably 12 or so by now. All she was looking for was a baby sitter for her kids. My parents wouldn't go for that and neither would I.

With my stepsiblings, I think most of it was that my stepfather tried, he tried very hard to make them feel as wanted and part of his life, but it didn't work. Their mother poisoned them against him and against my mom. She tried harder than he did. She'd go christmas shopping and invite them to come for the holidays, all they would do to her was come, get their presents, look for money and leave after they got what they wanted.

I do feel for you though, you don't deserve that, no one does, especially when you're trying to be involved with the rest of your family.

Shael

What made you think this guy was going to be 'Dad?' Biology?

Im replying from my phone, so excuse any typos.... My dad has other kids that didnt find him until they were grown. One older brother was with my dad until he was 6 and was taken away by CPS and spent the rest of his life in foster care. the older two were raised by their mom after my dad was MIA and a POW in Vietnam. She was remarried and wanted nothing to do with him when he came home. 2 if the 3 only wanted money from him and used him. i never have asked him for anything, and he seemed to appriciate that. i was taken and raised by my grandmother at a very young age. my mom tells me dad took off when he learned she was pregnant, dad told me he didnt know she was. either way, i never knew him until 2 years ago and he was so loving and i felt so special having a dad. i guess i felt he would be a dad because it meant so much to him to find me as well.... now i feel like never knowing him would have been better. im also upset at the values my sister is instilling into her children. *sigh*

A dad sticks with his children and raises them. Hes just another guy, not a dad.

Posted by big dave A dad sticks with his children and raises them. Hes just another guy, not a dad.

True.

Last night my sister said, "Well he's dying.. and you don't have much time left to spend with him. Why would you waste it instead of just cutting your hair so that you can attend the family reunion?"

I told her that my dad lives in Santa Fe, Texas. (My step dad who raised me from age 12 until 17 when I moved out). He was the one who chose to not be in my life when I was born, so why should I have to be the one to try to make up for lost time?

I'm just not really upset or sad about this anymore. I can't let myself be. When my sister repeated that he was dying, I said we were all dying. (Such an emo line, I know...) I could die tomorrow, and then he would be the one looking like an ass.

Seriously, just because he had sex with your mom doesn't make him dad. My father is a piece of shit, I call my stepfather dad because he rolled with the punches and raised me the best he could. People think it means something to be biologically connected, but it has no more meaning than eating cereal and pooping it out later. Sorry if it seems harsh, but this guy is obviously a dick and isn't worth the last breath he takes.

Wow! I don't know you but from what we have talked about in PM's and what I have seen from your posts. From what I see you are great person doing a wonderful job raising your children. How very nice that you got to meet him and learn more about him. It is something that you would have wondered about your whole life. Now you know why he was not around when you grew up.

I have made many bad choices in my life. Well maybe not all bad but ones that the people close to me did not approve of. True family are the ones that stick by you even if they don't agree. Family does not have to be a blood relative. Stepping up on the soapbox here... He lost the right to have any opinion in how you live your life a long time ago. You have many good things to take away from this meeting with him. Knowledge of your family tree, getting to know them a bit and reminding you of what you already knew. The man that raised you is your Dad.

Then again I did not have to say this because you already did.

Posted by Happiedaze I told her that my dad lives in Santa Fe, Texas. (My step dad who raised me from age 12 until 17 when I moved out). He was the one who chose to not be in my life when I was born, so why should I have to be the one to try to make up for lost time? I'm just not really upset or sad about this anymore. I can't let myself be. When my sister repeated that he was dying, I said we were all dying. (Such an emo line, I know...) I could die tomorrow, and then he would be the one looking like an ass.

You will be the one holding your head high with no regrets in the end.

Thanks for all the encouraging feedback. I really am a good person and I do raise my daughters to be good people.

I called my mom yesterday. She told me that her and my step dad love me no matter what my hair looks like. She was somewhat upset at my sister for doing this and trying to do it behind my back. My mom knew about my sister going to the family reunion, and thought my sister should take a 'well if my sister can't go, I'm not going' attitude, but I told her that at least my sister gets to see him, my sisters kids get to meet him (Even though they are not related).

I don't even understand why she wants to go. All I ever heard about my 'real dad' when I asked about him when I was a kid was that he was mean to my sister... made her sit in a chair until she peed herself because he wouldn't let her up to go to the bathroom. I heard that story so many times, and then when it came up again after meeting my dad, she didn't remember it.

This story is so long, and there is so much more to it.. but basically I was told he was a jerk while I was growing up. From what I hear of the other of his children, he was a horrible father. I forgave all that, I accepted him into my life, into my kids' lives and look past all his faults, but he doesn't like my hair. It's just ridiculous.

Also, my dad told me that he left my mom when she was pregnant with me because he had to do so to protect us from the mob. He had to go turn in evidence against the people he was working for and do some time so that we could be safe and live happy, and when he came back, we were gone. My mom told me yesterday he ran off with some 17 year old girl who he knocked up because her dad was trying to kill him.

Hmm. I think I believe my mom on that one.

Wow,can I ever relate to you on this one.

My Dad left my Mom and four kids when I was two. He moved to Alberta (ironically,where I am now) and only ever returned when someone either married or died. He remarried,and then had his only son,who was born with an ultimately fatal kidney condition. I admit that I was very jealous of my brother,as my dad acted like my brother was his only child,that he was the only one who mattered.

Because of the favouritsm and my dad's insistence that a move back to Ontario would be too much for Terry,I paid both of them little attention aside from visiting them twice. I thought my Dad was exaggerating about Terry's health and after his wife left,my Dad went on to raise Terry himself. Despite it not being Terry's fault whatsoever,although I loved him I didn't give him nearly the attention he deserved.

My Dad and Terry,aged twenty had been in BC for years now,and two years ago we heard from my Uncle,who told us that Terry died alone in the house,which was in some crummy neighbourhood. My dad found him when he got home from work,and it took almost a YEAR of waiting for toxicology reports,before it was determined that Terry didn't commit suicide,as suspected. Of course,I have felt enormous guilt ever since,and I couldn't even bring myself to fly out and attend his funeral.

Anyway,once this happened,naturally a huge outpouring of sympathy went out to my Dad. It has been very hard to separate the feelings of resentment towards him (about many other things besides my brother),and the sympathy I would have for anyone who lost a child. Shortly after I moved here,my Dad came to visit me for two weeks,it had been eight years since I'd seen him last. It was a very surreal visit,but I treated him the best I could,and completely put aside all my feelings,in order to help him deal with his. It was almost like having a stranger in the house,and I kept telling him that it was OKAY that he left four kids and eight grandchildren behind whenever he brought it up. Ugh.

So I guess my point is,it's amazing how the children are often left bending over backwards trying to get the parent's acceptance. It's an uphill battle trying to matter to someone who paid no mind to me most of my life. I'm very slowly learning that I am who I am through no help of his and although I'll always treat my Dad with kindness,it's my mother and stepdad who have been there for me all along.

my parents were only married for 13 years. they were separated in 1983 and divorced in 1992. My father tried, but ultimately, he just didn't really know how to be a father. It was because of his father, I think. My grandfather was a bastard to his family and our last words on this planet were not the most pleasant. He died of complications from a stroke.

Anyways, back to my father... as a kid, dad was either at work (ironically the same place I know work, the department Shael works in), sleeping, or out in the garage working on the side. He just didn't have time for things with me or my brother. Even now, he makes no attempt to really 'help' anyone out, but expects my brother or i to drop everything if he needs something. Honestly, my father really doesn't have much time left. He smokes one right after another and has since he was probably 16 (he'll be 59 n October). I don't really know the guy, to be honest.

i really think that this is going to be something that will bother me for a long time.

The thing is...do any of us really actually ever get to really know our parents? That's my big question.

Sure, I never really knew my dad, I try by asking questions of people that knew him, but I really never knew him. I barely know my parents even though I live day in and day out with them. But do we ever really get to know them as people and not as authority figures or whatever they are in our lives?

I would say no. That's just me though.

Shael