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 | Why me?
entry by Path Walker
1/30/2006 10:27 PM
| I was laying in bed last night when the thought occured to me that I should create a journal here on UER.
Now, nearly 19 hours later, I can't for the life of me remember my justification. But, in case it ever comes back to me, at least this is set up.
Another thing I was thinking about last night, that actually did carry over into this morning (and hit with strong resonance, of all times, during World Civ) was death.
I realized last night that I am completely and utterly terrified of dying. Not because I fear what's on the other side - to quote Peter Pan, "Death would be an awfully big adventure," in that regard, and my hypotheses on spirits and other such things paranormal are things I'd love to have an answer to, even if that's the only way to get them. No, I'm paranoid, completely, of leaving this world behind.
Think about it - everyone has that favorite place they love to visit: that old asylum or hospital, that abandoned hotel, the rooftop that affords the best view on a clear night. Take Byberry for example, since it's been the hot topic recently on the Northeast board. A whole mess of people absolutely love that place (and from the pics alone, I'm regretting that I'll never get the chance to see it intact). But it's being torn down. Closer to my home, one of the places where I got my start in UE, the Saratoga County Homestead, is possibly being torn down; not to mention the McIntyre Redevelopment (National Lead mine) near Tahawus. Consider these places, and then consider never being able to go to these places ever again.
But, don't think of it in terms of the location being torn down. Look at it from the perspective of you not being able to go back, because you're dead.
I don't think I'm conveying this right, so I'll try another example.
I'm in love (awww... *wretch*). Completely, head-over-heels, 1,000% smitten (thanks for the word, 'Dukes, you sly dog you) in love with Anasazi - a truly amazing woman. I have a gorgeous daughter of 10 years (going on 20, I swear to friggin' god) who loves to explore with Ana and I, even though she lives with her mother.
When I die (for it will happen - life is, after all, a terminal STD), I will never, ever be able to see them again. I'll never get to hold Ana or my daughter again. Never get to hear their laughter, see their smiles, taste their cooking, smell their hair, go anywhere or do anything with them.
I'll miss that.
If for no other reason than to be with them, I'd love to be immortal. All these TV shows and movies look at immortality like a curse; wandering the world, your friends and loved ones dying all around you. Yeah, that'd suck. But think of all the things you'd get to see and do!
I lay awake for hours last night, frozen in panic at the thought of dying and never having done so many things with Ana and my little girl (who's not so little... damn kids and their damn growing), never being able to fully experience life with them.
I know what you're thinking: who says either one of them won't die first? Well, I'm older than Ana by 5 years - not a lot, but still. I've got medical problems in my genes - nothing personal, just some things that run in the family. And my daughter... I'd like to believe with all my heart that I won't out-live her.
Now, how does that tie into World Civ this morning? Follow the bouncing ball...
One of the interesting things about going back to college at 28 years of age is the nearly necessary review of all the nifty things you may or may not have learned in high school but have subsequently forgotten because of the 10 years in between your lofty high school graduation and the time you finally got your sorry ass back into a classroom with the goal of furthering your education and making something out of your miserable self. So, my Polish professor (nothing against him, but damn if he isn't hard to understand at times) decides that, since we have a quiz on religions coming up on Monday, it might be good to go over some information in that regard so that we're somewhat prepared.
Toward the end, he covered Hinduism, and when while hunched over the computer monitor imbedded in the lecture desk he told us, "Followers of Hinduism believe in reincarnation..." a light bulb went on in my head.
I believe in reincarnation. I have for a long time, and have successfully "proven" (to myself and those around me) that I've shared several past lives with Ana, one with my ex-wife (of which this life was designed, in part, to make amends for), etc, etc. But I believe in it for more than just the "proof" I have that I've done it.
I believe in it because I have to. Think about it in the context of the above-mentioned paranoia. I have to believe that this isn't the end for me, so that I can get through the day. I have to believe that I'll be able to come back here, to this very earth, and get to fill in the blanks from my previous life, to right some of the wrongs, and to have all the adventures I may have missed out on for whatever reason. I need to believe it.
Maybe it doesn't make sense to you. It makes sense to me, though; in the end, I suppose that's all that matters.
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