 |
|
|
UER Store
|
|
order your copy of Access All Areas today!
|
|
|
|
Activity
|
|
759 online
Server Time:
2024-04-19 15:34:57
|
|
|
 | jokes (there bad)
entry by longbaugh
12/23/2005 8:59 PM
| Q: Do you know why women are turned on by men in uniform ?
A: They can´t resist anyone who´s been trained to obey orders and eat crappy food...
A man walks into his physchologists office in a cellophane suit. The Dr. looks up at him and says " I can clearly see your nuts"
Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your Grandma's the best sex in town!"
Everyone expects a fight, but the guy in the middle ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end.
Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy and says, I just did your Grandma, and it was suh-weeet!"
Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar.
Ten minutes later, the drunk returns and announces "And your Grandma liked it!"
Finally the guy interrupts....... "Go home Grandpa, you're drunk!
This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995.
Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
Canadians: We are a lighthouse. Your call.
For centuries, Hindu women have worn a red spot on their foreheads. We have naively thought it had something to do with their religion. The true story has just been revealed by the Indian Embassy in Washington.
> When one of these women gets married, on her wedding night the husband scratches off the red spot to see if he has won a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop or a motel in Florida.
After his death, Osama bin Laden went to heaven. There he was greeted by George Washington, who proceeded to slap him across the face and yell at him, "How dare you try to destroy the nation I helped conceive!"
Patrick Henry approached and punched Osama in the nose and shouted, "You wanted to end our liberties but you failed." James Madison entered, kicked Osama in the balls and said," This is why I allowed our government to provide for the common defense!"
Thomas Jefferson came in and proceeded to beat Osama many times with a long cane and said, "It was evil men like you that provided me the inspiration to pen the Declaration of Independence!" These beatings and thrashings continued as John Rudolph, James Monroe and 66 other early Americans came in and unleashed their anger on the Muslim terrorist leader.
As Osama lay bleeding and writhing in unbearable pain an angel appeared. Bin Laden wept in pain and said to the angel, "This is not what you promised me."
The angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you in heaven. What did you think I said?"
A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks was having trouble with one of her students.
The teacher asked, "Harry, what is your problem?"
Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.
The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade andbehave. She agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" Harry: "9".
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?" Harry: "36".
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions." The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?" Harry, after a moment: "Legs."
Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question! Harry replied: "Pockets."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?" Harry: "Pants"
Ms. Brooks: What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid? Harry: Coconut
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry was taking charge.
Ms. Brooks: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky? Harry: Bubble gum
Ms. Brooks: What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs?"
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer.
Harry: Shake hands
Ms. Brooks: What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?
Harry: Firetruck
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong"
Two boys in Boston were playing basketball when one of them was attacked by a rabid Rottweilier.
Thinking quickly, the other boy ripped a board off a nearby fence, wedged it into the dog's collar and twisted it, breaking the dogs neck.
A newspaper reporter from the Boston Herald witnessed the incident and reushed over to interview the boy.
The reporter began entering data into his laptop, begining with the headline: "Brave Young Celtics Fan Saves Freind from Jaws Of Vicious Animal."
"But I'm not a Celtics fan" the little hero interjected. "Sorry" replied the reporter, "but since we're in Boston I just assumed you were"
Hitting the delete key, the reporter began again: "John Kerry Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Dog Attack"
"But I'm not a John Kerry fan either,' the boy responded.
The reporter said, "I assumed everybody in this state was either for the Celtics or John Kerry or Ted Kennedy. What team or person do you like?"
"I'm a Houston Rockets fan and I really like George W. Bush," the boy said.
Hitting the delete key, the reporter began again:
"Arrogant Little Conservative Bastard kills beloved Family Pet."
Two Iraqi spies meet in a bar in downtown Los Angeles.
One starts to greet the other in Arabic, their native language. The
other waves him off contemptuously and says:
"We're in America now, speak Spanish
A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the Title, and everything checks out.
The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for being so dumb as to use a $250,000 Rolls Royce as collateral against a $5000 loan. An employee fo the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5000 loan and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found out that you are a multi millionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5000?"
The blonde replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"
An office manager was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job
opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes, he found four people who
were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them one
question and their answer would determine who would get the job.
The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, the
interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?" pointing to the
man on his right.
The first man replied: "A thought. It pops into your head. There's no
forewarning that it's on the way, it's just there. A thought is the fastest
thing I know of."
"That's very good!" replied the interviewer. "And now you sir," he asked the
second man.
"Hmm... let me see... A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know it ever
happened. A blink is the fastest thing I know of."
"Excellent!" said the interviewer "The blink of an eye. That's a very
popular cliché for speed."
He then turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply.
"Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall
there's a light switch, when you flip that switch, way out across the
pasture the light at the barn comes on in an instant. Turning on a light is
the fastest thing I can think of."
The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had
found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light." he said. Turning to
the fourth man, he posed the question.
"After hearing the three previous answers, it's obvious to me that the
fastest thing known is diarrhea" he said.
"WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response.
"Oh I can explain." he said. "You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so
well and ran for the bathroom. But, before I could think, blink or turn on
the light, I shit my pants!"
YOU, TOO, CAN HELP FIGHT TERRORISM
Solely as a public service Nealz Nuze has agreed to share a plan with you ... a plan to eliminate possible Islamic terrorist cells in many of America's larger cities.
As you may know, it is a sin for a devout Muslim to see any woman other than his wife naked. If he does happen to see another naked women, he must commit suicide to purge his soul. So, understanding this about devout Muslims, at 4:00 p.m. this coming Saturday, May 1st, women in major American cities with large Muslim populations are going to strip naked and walk about their neighborhoods. The plan is to walk about the neighborhood for one hour in an effort to cause any lurking Al Qaeda sleepers to end their own miserable lives. Good luck ladies! And thanks for the effort!
Irish guy, british guy, mexican, and american all riding in the same shitty twin prop plane. Pilot tells the guys the plane is losing power fast, and to make it all the way back to the airport he can only take himself and a single passenger. They're all staring at the floor thinking, when the irish dude pops up and says "long live the irish fighters!" and jumps out of the plane. Pretty soon british guy goes "God save the queen!" and jumps out. After a long silence between the last 2 passengers, the American says "remember the Alamo!" and pitches the mexican out the door.
Rules >From Men!
We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules
from the male side. These are our rules! Please note... these are all numbered
"1" ON PURPOSE!
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it
down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining
about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the
tides.
Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it
that
way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do
not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just sayit!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's
what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In
fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us
to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways
makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it
done.Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during
commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach,
for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no
idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like
nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer
you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is
fine...Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to
discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round is a shape. ( I like this one - Mike )
1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch
tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, it's like camping.
Modify Entry |
|
Comments: (use Reply to add a comment)
| This thread is in a public category, and can't be made private. |
|
All content and images copyright © 2002-2024 UER.CA and respective creators. Graphical Design by Crossfire.
To contact webmaster, or click to email with problems or other questions about this site:
UER CONTACT
View Terms of Service |
View Privacy Policy |
Server colocation provided by Beanfield
This page was generated for you in 93 milliseconds. Since June 23, 2002, a total of 738512041 pages have been generated.
|
|
