forums
new posts
donate
UER Store
events
location db
db map
search
members
faq
terms of service
privacy policy
register
login




UER Forum > Journal Index > Longbow's Journal > bad jokes (Viewed 1727 times)
bad jokes
entry by longbaugh 
12/23/2005 8:41 PM

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has screwed him for ten million bucks. This bookkeeper is deaf. It was considered an occupational benefit, and why he got the job in the first place, since it was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not be able to hear anything he'd ever have to testify about in court.

When the Godfather goes to shakedown the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million bucks, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.

The Godfather asks the bookkeeper: "Where is the 10 million bucks you embezzled from me?" The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the 10 million dollars is hidden.

The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about." The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

That's when the Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple, cocks it, and says: "Ask him again!" The attorney signs to the underling: "He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!"

The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"

The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"

The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the nerve to pull the trigger"!




How do you fix a woman's watch?

You don't. There is a clock on the oven.




What's got two legs and bleeds alot?

Half a cat.



How do you know when it's time to wash dishes and clean the house?
Look inside your pants; if you have a penis, it's not time.


What do you say to a woman with a black eye?
"Don't make me say it again"

What do you tell a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, you already told her twice.



What's the first thing a woman does after she leaves a battered women's shelter?

The dishes if she knows what's good for her.





Picture of Javahed

Posted 19 March 2004 08:07 AM
Missing Wife
> > > >(Best understood by Alaskans)
> > > >
> > > >The day after losing his wife in a diving accident, a man
> > > >answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.
> > > >"We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have
> > > >some information about your missing wife."
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >"Tell me! Did you find her?" the man cried.
> > > >
> > > >The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad
> > > >news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do
> > > >you want to hear first?"
> > > >
> > > >Fearing the worse, an ashen Mr. Wilkens said,
> > > >"Give me the bad news first."
> > > >
> > > >The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning
> > > >we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay."
> > > >
> > > >"Oh my god!" said Mr. Wilkens, overcome by emotion.
> > > >Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"
> > > >
> > > >The trooper continued. "When we pulled her up she had two
> > > >five-pound king crabs and a half-dozen good size Dungeness
> > > >crabs on her."
> > > >
> > > >Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, then
> > > >what's the great news?"
> > > >
> > > >The trooper said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow."




What do 10,000 battered women have in common?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
They just won't listen!!!!






The story of Uncle Bob

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess"

"And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.

"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"

"Very good," said the teacher. "Now, Lucy?"

"Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks. And the moral to this story is, don't count your chickens until they're hatched."

"That was a fine story Lucy. Johnny do you have a story to share?"

"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my uncle Bob. Uncle Bob was a Green Beret in Vietnam and his helicopter got hit. He had to crash land in enemy territory and all he had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. He drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then he landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. He killed seventy of them with the machine gun until he ran out of bullets, then he killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke and then he killed the last ten with his bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, " What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

"Don't fuck with Uncle Bob when he's been drinking."





Three couples, American, German, and Irish, are sharing breakfast at the B & B. The American leans over to his wife and says,
"Pass the sugar, Sugar."
The German, not wanting to be outdone, leans over to his wife and says,
"Pass the honey, Honey."
The Irishman simply yells out to his wife,

"Pass the milk, you cow!"


Modify Entry



Comments: (use Reply to add a comment)
UER Forum > Journal Index > Longbow's Journal > bad jokes (Viewed 1727 times)


Add a poll to this thread



This thread is in a public category, and can't be made private.



All content and images copyright © 2002-2024 UER.CA and respective creators. Graphical Design by Crossfire.
To contact webmaster, or click to email with problems or other questions about this site: UER CONTACT
View Terms of Service | View Privacy Policy | Server colocation provided by Beanfield
This page was generated for you in 46 milliseconds. Since June 23, 2002, a total of 737084780 pages have been generated.