Can never forget; can never forgive - Thread


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UER Forum > Journal Index > What if the hokey-pokey is what its all about > Can never forget; can never forgive (Viewed 2461 times)

Can never forget; can never forgive
entry by Jennibel
9/19/2005 4:33 AM

This past friday I did something that I can never forget nor will I ever forgive myself for doing. I killed one of the little kittens that I helped take care of since the momma cat abandoned them. They are only 9 weeks old. It was at my mom's house. She has a comfy recliner that I always sit in while I'm there...since the dogs take up the couches & chairs. Yeah, I could move them but I dont.

The kittens like to play inside of the recliner...they always have & probly will continue playing in it til they get to big. I knew at least one was in the recliner but still I asked if it was ok to recline it back. My mom said as long as they weren't crying or making noise they were fine. I could feel it goofing around in the chair-but didnt think of anything odd at the time. After reading a magazine I got up to let the dogs in from being outside. After refilling their water bowl, I was walking behind the recliner & noticed something that I thought was spilled underneath the chair.

As I lifted the back I saw the little black & white kitten, Leinie, laying there across the wooden bar, dead. The liquid was blood. I dont know what happened, how it happened...all I know is that he was dead & that since I was in the chair last, I had killed him. I cried out his name & sat down on the floor, devastated. I tried to pick him up, but my mom wouldnt let me. She told me to go on...to get away from the chair. I was too numb to even move-- all I could do was sit there, crying hysterically. I have never killed anything before in my life...I have had pets die on me, but this was different.

My brother was there & pulled me up & pushed me over to the couch. I watched as he picked up Leinie's lifeless little body, wrapped him in a towel & carried him outside. I know they were going to go bury him next to Edana, Molly, & Marzipan. My mom went with him. When they came back, all I could do was keep crying & say over & over, "I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry"

My mom tried to calm me down since I was hysterical. She said it was an accident & that Leinie didnt suffer & that he was with the other kitties now. She kept trying to convince me that it was an accident...but I blame myself. I watched then clean up the blood from the floor & then wash it with bleach.

The only way I would calm down is with a tranquilizer. It made me numb to everything...my vision blurred, my mind drifted, my crying subsided until I eventually fell asleep. I know I woke up in the middle of the night because my mom was sitting on the couch next to me again saying that it was all an accident & that he (Leinie) didnt suffer. She gave me another traquilizer until I feel asleep again. I'm sure I had bad dreams that night but I dont remember any.

All day saturday & sunday (even know) I break down & cry...I feel so bad & that I dont deserve to take home the kitten that I said I would. I wont ever sit in that chair again. I'm afraid to sit in the couch even though I know the kittens cant get into the couch...the only place I will sit is at the kitchen table & in the bedroom I have at my moms house since the kittens cant get to that part of the house.

I was at the kitchen sink, rinsing out the glass that I had milk in, when I broke down again. My mom came over & said that she felt bad also when Marzipan (Leinie's sister) died...all she did was just give a little meow & then passed away. I said but you didnt kill her like I did Leinie.

I do blame mmyself...I cant ever forget this nor will I ever forgive myself. Even as I sit here with the kitten that my friend wants sleeping on my lap, I think if Leinie. How I helped feed him with an eye-dropper since he was too small to eat on his own, how I helped give him a bath when he was dirty, how I helped give him eye medicine & wipe his little nose. How he looked up to with with him big green eyes, trusting me not to harm him...

I have never felt as bad as I do now...

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Jesus Jones This member has been banned. See the banlist for more information. Location: back in Belleville Gender: Male Total Likes: 0 likes 1973-2005 \| \| \|	Re: Can never forget; can never forgive < Reply # 1 on 9/23/2005 1:39 AM > \| Reply with Quote

	Oh Jenn, that is horrible. I feel so sorry for you. He's in a better place now, you hvave to let go, it wasnt your outright fault. Kittens get in spots like taht all the time, things like this are bound to happen. I did it too, but I seriously injured my kitty. Punctured his leg. Im soo sorry to hear this, I hope you get everything back to normal soon, the death of a pet, especially a pet who was your friend. Its hard. If and when its time for my kitties to pass on, I dont know what I will do.
	[11:23:20] * nightbird looks at jj's crotch in amazement [19:48:06] <Freak> YOUR TOAD A SPLODE [22:04:21] <keti> in fact, im rather robotic Virginity does not collect intrest. -Andrea [15:44:19] <Kellogs> i'm part of a complete breakfast you know =P wait...that sounds so wrong

UER Forum > Journal Index > What if the hokey-pokey is what its all about > Can never forget; can never forgive (Viewed 2461 times)

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