Shell shocked. Where do I even begin?

[WARNING: unfiltered]


My knees shake, my head hurts, my stomach churns.
And then all of a sudden it stops.

I get caught up in watching the hummingbirds, or playing with the cats.
I jump in my car and drive a couple of miles to see what there is to see.
I sign up for exciting new hobbies, and projects, and groups.

And then the sensation comes back.
Similar to waves of withdrawal. It hits me again, and again.

I had a nightmare last night, that the school and town where suing me for some random assortment of physical/mental damages. The worst case penalty was jail, the least case was just a write off. They hired the meanest lawyer in the land and asked me to fill in a Blue Book worth of response to hand to the judge. It was riddled with my usual grammar and spelling problems. I was doomed to fail. The girl from upstairs had apparently lost all of her hair from my acidic nature. She testified in a wig, a passive aggressive tone in her voice. "How could you? How could you be so cruel?" the town all cooed in my direction. The judges and jury were leaning towards 2 weeks suspension from school. The town wanted to appeal.

Something in the back of my brain started clicking and I realized it was just a dream, none of this was real. Or was it?

I bolted up in bed and pulled through my email and messages to make sure it was just a dream.

I wasn't able to fall back asleep.

What the fuck happened out there?

I'm a major supporter of "Man in the Mirror" mentality. I really try to reflect on my own miscomings before those of others. What did I do to ruin the situation or sour the relationship?

I keep running over scenarios in my head. Over and over. Was it that I spoke too much about my experience in the Bush? Was I too trusting? Too nice? Was it that I didn't drink alcohol? Was it that I'm a Methodist and not a Mormon? Maybe I was too shy? Sometimes I hesitate to make connections. Did I ask too much of the students? Was I wrong for exposing them to Geography and History and Cinema and Art?

Then I have to slap myself. What am I saying?! Really? I'm accusing myself of being ... nice?

Fuck them.

Yeah. Okay. I was nice. I was teaching kids. Sue me. My religion believes in inclusion verses exclusion. I'm an introvert. I don't drink alcohol cause it makes me a dick. My experiences in the Bush made me a kinder and stronger individual. I'd actually gotten better and matured when I first showed up there.

And they spat in my face.

I shouldn't take it personally. They do that to everyone. Including the tourists and traveling monies that they need to survive the winter.

It's a Sundown Town. A white fright Mormon and other assorted extreme religion hideaway. They bite anything that doesn't smell like them, and belligerently ostracize anything that smells familiar, but speaks differently.

I didn't get bitten because of the color of my skin. But they pushed me to the outer walls because I associated with "others".

Fuck that place.
Fuck those people.
Fuckin' hell, thank God it's over.


Now I just... need to heal. Is that even possible?

I'm struggling to suck it up and deal.

Even though things are cooling down.
Even though things are going alright.

Leaving teaching, and the explantations to each and every person I know.
Is exhausting. and Demoralizing.

But I'm determined to keep my head up.
Breakups are what they are.

More fish in the sea. etc. etc. etc.

Log 1

I've tried to jump in as quickly as I can.

So far:
- volunteered at DCHS
- found leads
- recon on DIofZ, found it and possible entry point


Today:
- scoped out a new park
- targeted a location, found a work around (let's call it Kitty loop)
- plans for a second recon in the work
- research and dug back out the DHR map
- research ---- Appamatuck was the Native group in the area


Tomorrow:
- not a lot of time, will reply to the PHF volunteer email

Log 2

I've been busy, but overwhelmed.


So far:
- lots to log
- not enough time
- good thing I'm keeping a paper log
- I'm taking tomorrow to get organized
- stay spicy -----

Living with my Virgo mother has been a challenge.
It's always been a challenge.

But the fact of the matter is - that I'm no longer a child. I'm an adult.

I can't live in fear. I can't keep vying for her affection.
I have business I need to attend to. I have futures that need planning.

She wallows in her own frustrations and refuses help. She digs herself even deeper. And when someone reaches out? She lashes out in return.

She offered me solace and a place to rest. Or so she mused.
Upon returning it's a direct reflection of my experience after grad school.

Instead of motherly affection or aid, she showers me in guilt and shame. Passive aggressive anger. Her house is a pig sty, and the second I raise a hand to help clean, she turns it against me - claiming I'm taking away her control or belittling her life.

I understand how hard life has been on my mother. I sympathize. At the core, I honestly love her. But I can't live in fear. I have to develop my own sense of self worth - it can not revolve around her approval. It can not. This game has crippled me from a very young age.

I was excited to come back. Excited. I've been stressed again. The panic attacks are coming back. I'm lashing out at my husband over nothing. I'm becoming my mother because I refuse to just help myself. I refuse to just laugh things off and be grateful for the things I do have in my life.

If she kicks me out because I've cleaned up cat piss and shit from her floors. Then so be it. But I can't live like this. I can't. I can't. I can't.

Excuse me as I go to kill sugar ants in secret. I'm too terrified she'll find out. I'm too terrified she'll blame me for the intrusion of ants that feast upon the garbage she's too angry to let me take to the dump.

I have to take my life back. I have to be ok with myself. I have to trust - things will be ok.

I'm pregnant.


And I just found out one of my recent students committed suicide.
He was in his early 20s.

It's actually a lot more common out there than anyone is happy admitting.
A few years out of school, and it slowly sinks in. That the white man put caps on everything, the climate and lifestyle is dying, the language is dying, your family is dying, and all you are is another mouth to feed on an island in the middle of the Arctic Ocean.

No parent should have to bury their child.
No teacher should outlive their students.
No sibling should have to find their brother like that.

But it happens, again, and again, and again.

---

Meanwhile, the government is looking for more ways to arrest more Natives.
https://www.usatod...on-aid/1595429001/

Not to help provide sustainable hunting gathering. Not to fund the schools. Not to feed the hungry, or heal the sick. Not to tend and honor the elders. Just ... to arrest more people.

---

What world am I bringing this child into?
It makes me want to run and hide and give it all up.
But I won't. I can not.

This is the future. This is the hope. A child raised with love and an open heart and mind. Hopefully to have more children that know how to wield the white magic of love, to fight the black magic of hate and fear.

I have a lot of work to do.

I had another night of the nightmares.
I'm exhausted.

When the fuck will this end?

My brother told me to try writing it out.
My family worries I have/am developing PTSD.

Ahahahahaha. Ha.


There's so much to log. I'm just overwhelmed. I'm sorry.

This is the last time I hope I have to write anything like this again.

I'm tired of being anxious.
I'm tired of Running to Stand Still.
I'm tired of it all.

For once, I want things back to the way they were.

I want to be happy.
I want to live my life.
I want to have the things I need to survive.
I want to have a family.
I want to explore.
I want to write.
I want to spend time with friends.
I want to photograph the beautiful and ugly.
I want to live without the fear I've been carrying around for so long.


I started down a particular path, 9 years ago. One I thought I needed too. One I thought would be the right thing to do, the right thing for me.
--- Some of it worked. But there were some major flaws throughout.

Those flaws held me down, so low. I wasn't sure where to go or what to do about them. I was afraid. I was lost. I was unsure. I was lacking confidence.

Now I sit on my bathroom floor, typing this all out. With a hope and a prayer and the largest bag of determination I've been able to collect in one place in over a decade.

I. Am. Done. I am. I'm finished. With living the way the voices tell me I should. With accepting the sneering judgements that get tossed my way. I'm done. I obsess. I worry. I fear. Too much.

So, in a last ditch desperate attempt - I put this out into the Universe.

Set me free, man. Give me the courage to be the person I feel the best and the happiest being. Fuck assholes. Fuck losers. Fuck 'em.

I'm going to get off the floor. Make a list of all the things I want. And then all the ways and things I need to do to start moving and eventually get in that direction. I'll work through the fatigue. I'll walk off the extra anxiety. I'll photograph out the excess fear. I WILL get better. I WILL be able to do this. I WILL be able to turn this all around into something even more fulfilling and sustaining for not only me, but all the people in my life I care so deeply about. I Will Follow My Heart.

I'm still struggling with what I should do.
The baby has made things more complicated.
This morning sickness has made everything harder.

But I'll get it figured out.

I refuse to let the negativity bring me down.

Step 1: Stop reading the news. The U.S. sucks. Big surprise. Find a way around it.

They hum and ho. Ask me where I'm teaching the coming year.
I fumble on my words, and try to explain - try to connect.
No, no. I'm not looking to teach. I'm not looking for openings.
Couldn't you understand what it did to me? Couldn't you get what I've seen? Couldn't you feel what I feel?

But people never do. Quite frankly, how could they?

• Have they stood on the banks of the Arctic Ocean, abandoned by the Red Cross in the midst of a Bering Sea hurricane?
  
• Have they promised the beauty of democracy to the poorest of the poor's children, only to be told the President won't be landing in our village because it's too much of a security threat?
  
• Have they lost kids and their parents to suicide at 1 in the morning?
  
• Have they had to dismiss the boys in their class to go help dig a new grave in the permafrost?
  
• Have they watched the last of their village's supplies burn through the night, knowing more first aid and food won't come until weeks away?
  
• Have they seen the troopers, literally drop from the sky, and haul off villagers months after the conflict had been settled?
  
• Have they been harassed and ostracized by the whites, who believe you're too close to "them"?
  
• How many teenagers have they talked down from the jump?
  
• Have they had drunk parents burst into their apartment in the evening, raving mad?
  
• Have they lived in a school district where everyone knows them, and watches their every move - the groceries they buy, the walks they take, the conversations they have?
  
• Have they had children cry to them about how terrifying the outside world seemed, with fear in their eyes that they'd never make it?
  
• Have they ever sat down with a Native kid that promises to behave better than the others because "they were raised white"?
  
• Have they had to cross international borders and snowed in mountain passes just to buy a cut of beef?
  
• Have they had their car flipped inside out by Homeland Security, because you failed that border patrol's kid on the last test?
  
• Have they ever lived with the fear - and then the sinking reality - that the governor was going to cut public education altogether because of racism and hate?
  

No. No they have not. So how could they know? How could they even begin to understand the beginnings of any of the things that I do?

Step 2: Admit that I've had a unique experience. It's bound to shape me for the rest of my life - and that's an amazing thing. I helped a lot of kids. I got to know a lot of people. And I grew up.

Step 3: Admit.
That teaching.
Just isn't.
My thing.

And smile, knowing that I know.

Step 4: Forgive assholes, and stick to your guns.

Step 5: Refuse to stop believing, to stop hoping.

Thank you Donald Trump and Tea Party Americans for another oppresive [probable decade] under Republican rule. It's gone to help remind me of who I am at the core. Fuck you and the things you stand for.



Step 6: Remember the spirit you had when you were younger. Before you tried to conform. Before you swished swished for the administration and teaching board. Don't sacrifice yourself for society. It will always disapprove.

Step 7: Take more photos, always.

Step 8: Loose yourself in the jams.

r/jazz top 100.

-104. Takuya Kuroda - Rising Son (2014) 4 Votes
-103. We Like It Here - Snarky Puppy (2014) 4 Votes
-102. The Imagined Savior is Far Easier to Paint- Ambrose Akinmusire (2014) 4 Votes
-101. Nostalgia at Times Square - Charles Mingus (1993) 4 Votes
-100. Concierto - Jim Hall (1975) 4 Votes
-99. On the Corner - Miles Davis (1972) 4 Votes
-98. Science Fiction - Ornette Coleman (1972) 4 Votes
-97. Now He Sings, Now He Sobs - Chick Corea (1968) 4 Votes
-96. Machine Gun - Peter Brotzmann (1968) 4 Votes
-95. Speak Like a Child - Herbie Hancock (1968) 4 Votes
-94. Adam’s Apple - Wayne Shorter (1967) 4 Votes
-93. Unit Structures - Cecil Taylor (1966) 4 Votes
-92. Search for New Land - Lee Morgan (1966) 4 Votes
-91. A Charlie Brown Christmas - Vince Guaraldi (1965) 4 Votes
-90. Smokin’ at the Half Note - Wes Montgomery (1965) 4 Votes
-89. Mingus, Mingus, Mingus, Mingus, Mingus - Charles Mingus (1963) 4 Votes
-88. Caravan - Art Blakey and the Jazz Messengers (1963) 4 Votes
-87. Tijuana Moods - Charles Mingus (1962) 4 Votes
-86. Live at the Village Vanguard - John Coltrane (1962) 4 Votes
-85. Free Jazz - Ornette Coleman (1961) 4 Votes
-84. This is Our Music - Ornette Coleman (1961) 4 Votes
-83. The Blanton Webster Band - Duke Ellington (Recorded 1940- 1942) 4 Votes
-82. Earfood - Roy Hargrove (2008) 5 Votes
-81. Scenery - Ryo Fukui (1976) 5 Votes
-80. Thrust - Herbie Hancock (1974) 5 Votes
-79. Mingus at Antibes - Charles Mingus (1974) 5 Votes
-78. Let My Children Hear Music - Charles Mingus (1972) 5 Votes
-77. Tribute to Jack Johnson - Miles Davis (1971) 5 Votes
-76. The Real McCoy - McCoy Tyner (1967) 5 Votes
-75. Straight, No Chaser - Thelonious Monk (1967) 5 Votes
-74. Spiritual Unity - Albert Ayler (1965) 5 Votes
-73. Coltrane’s Sound - John Coltrane (1964) 5 Votes
-72. Page One - Joe Henderson (1963) 5 Votes
-71. The Clown - Charles Mingus (1957) 5 Votes
-70. Super Sonic Jazz - Sun Ra (1957) 5 Votes
-69. Chet Baker Sings - Chet Baker (1954) 5 Votes
-68. We Insist! - Max Roach (1960) 5 Votes
-67. The Inner Mounting Flame - Mahavishnu Orchestra (1971) 6 Votes
-66. Ascension - John Coltrane (1966) 6 Votes
-65. Point of Departure - Andrew Hill (1964) 6 Votes
-64. Go! - Dexter Gordon (1962) 6 Votes
-63. Sonny Side Up - Dizzy Gillespie (1959) 6 Votes
-62. Ella and Louis - Ella Fitzgerald and Louis Armstrong (1956) 6 Votes
-61. Birth of the Cool - Miles Davis (Recorded 1949-1950) 6 Votes
-60. Hot Fives and Sevens - Louis Armstrong (1925-1928) 6 Votes
-59. The Awakening - Ahmad Jamal (1970) 7 Votes
-58. Miles Smiles - Miles Davis (1967) 7 Votes
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-56. Money Jungle - Duke Ellington (1963) 7 Votes
-55. The Incredible Jazz Guitar of Wes Montgomery - Wes Montgomery (1960) 7 Votes
-54. Everybody Digs Bill Evans - Bill Evans (1959) 7 Votes
-53. Misterioso - Thelonious Monk (1958) 7 Votes
-52. Monk’s Music - Thelonious Monk (1957) 7 Votes
-51. Study in Brown - Clifford Brown (1955) 7 Votes
-50. The Quintet Live at Massey Hall - Dizzy Gillespie and Charlie Parker (1953) 7 Votes
-49. Lanquidity - Sun Ra (1978) 8 Votes
-48. Light as a Feather - Chick Corea (1973) 8 Votes
-47. Juju - Wayne Shorter (1965) 8 Votes
-46. Empyrean Isles - Herbie Hancock (1964) 8 Votes
-45. The Atomic Mr. Basie - Count Basie (1958) 8 Votes
-44. Jaco Pastorius - Jaco Pastorius (1976) 9 Votes
-43. Journey in Satchidananda - Alice Coltrane (1971) 9 Votes
-42. Free for All - Art Blakey and the Jazz Messengers (1965) 9 Votes
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-39. The Blues and the Abstract Truth - Oliver Nelson (1961) 9 Votes
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-37. Ellington at Newport 1956 - Duke Ellington (1956) 9 Votes
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-31. Blues and Roots - Charles Mingus (1960) 10 Votes
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-29. Heavy Weather - Weather Report (1977) 11 Votes
-28. Karma - Pharoah Sanders (1969) 11 Votes
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-24. Red Clay - Freddie Hubbard (1970) 12 Votes
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-19. My Favorite Things - John Coltrane (1961) 15 Votes
-18. Brilliant Corners - Thelonious Monk (1957) 15 Votes
-17. Maiden Voyage - Herbie Hancock (1966) 16 Votes
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-15. In a Silent Way - Miles Davis (1969) 17 Votes
-14. Saxophone Colossus - Sonny Rollins (1956) 17 Votes
-13. Out to Lunch - Eric Dolphy (1964) 19 Votes
-12. The Black Saint and the Sinner Lady - Charles Mingus (1963) 21 Votes
-11. The Shape of Jazz to Come - Ornette Coleman (1959) 21 Votes
-10. Moanin’ - Art Blakey and the Jazz Messengers (1959) 23 Votes
-9. Blue Train - John Coltrane (1958) 23 Votes
-8. Sunday at the Village Vanguard/ Waltz for debby (1961) 24 Votes
-7. Time Out - Dave Brubeck (1959) 27 Votes
-6. Giant Steps - John Coltrane (1960) 29 Votes
-5. Bitches Brew - Miles Davis (1970) 32 Votes
-4. Head hunters - Herbie Hancock (1973) 34 Votes
-3. Ah Um - Charles Mingus (1959) 37 Votes
-2. A Love Supreme - John Coltrane (1965) 49 Votes
-1. Kind Of Blue - Miles Davis (1959) 49 Votes

Step 9: If you see a red door, paint it black.

I feel it on the tip of my tongue.
On the cusp of my heart.
At the end of my fingertips.

...and then it fades.
I wander around. I sleep. I deal with the morning [all day] sickness.

Why can't I let this stuff go?
Why can't I be confident?
Why? Why? WHY?!

When I was younger I didn't give a damn.
What happened?
Where did I get lost?

It wasn't in the wilds of Alaska.
Maybe it was in the stacks at the college library.
Or the lights of the punk clubs downtown.

But I'm so desperate to find her.
I'm dying without her.
Where did she go?

Step 10: Drink more water.