Part II
We awoke a few hours later feeling like the bed smelled. Somehow we managed to order room service, pack and hit the road. The destination was to be taking the back roads to Atlanta, TX then to Jefferson, TX and by 4:00 we were to be in Uncertain, TX for a private boat tour we had booked for Caddo Lake. Getting out of Shreveport seemed to take forever. It wasn’t that there was much traffic on a Saturday morning, it’s just that the place kept going on and on and on. The city itself isn’t very large but like most cities in America suburban sprawl has infected even the armpit of Louisiana. Highway 1 finally narrowed from 4 lanes lined in fast food joints, strip malls, auto repair facilities and crappy Mexican joints to a two lane pothole ridden road that made the bombed out lanes in Damascus Syria look like the autobahn!
Our first stop was to a place called Oil City Louisiana. This little place's claim to fame is that it was the location of the first oil well drilled over water (Caddo Lake). I'm not sure how much oil they got but if it was any at all it certainly didn’t look like they kept the proceeds for anything other than deteriorating fishing boats and oilfield equipment in such a state of decay that I doubt even mother nature would want it back! We drove around a bit and found downtown Oil City. If you ever want to know what life will look like following the Rapture, head there. It was completely deserted aside from an obese pre-teen sitting on a bench staring at his feet. I considered stopping and checking out some of the old buildings there but my head and stomach had other ideas. Both Mrs. Ulcer and I were hurting - BADLY. So we decided to continue on.
We traveled through the rather forgettable towns of Vivian and Rodossa through some rather beautiful country until we hit the state line of Texas. There wasn’t the usual giant sign announcing our arrival into a new stat like most places. Instead we knew we were there because the road immediately became paved with something other than old tires and dead political rivals. The air seemed fresher. The sky seemed bluer and my IQ seemed to increase by multiples the further I drove from Louisiana. One thing I have noticed that was the same however is that prior to entering any town in the South (really, pick a place) the first building you see is either a church or an auto repair/tire repair building. And the churches are always something cultish, not your normal Catholic or Lutheran numbers. It's always a 7th Day Adventist or a place with a long name like "Faith Bible Baptist Church Independent and Fundamental".
I noticed this fact just after entering the outskirts of Rodossa. I also came to realize why these places seem to be so popular with the locals as well as why people in these rural areas voted for Trump. When you live in a small shithole like Oil City the idea of the end of the world somehow seems like a good thing. Also having a loud-mouthed egomaniac blaming all of your woes on "foreigners", promising prosperity and a return to the good old days where white people were at the top of the social pyramid gives you something to look forward to. If nothing else, the odds of him actually bringing forth the end of the world are a lot higher than with the other candidates so it’s really a win-win in the minds of these people.
Now back to the story. Our journey to Atlanta was a very pleasant one. The drive was beautiful and in spite of our ever increasing nausea and throbbing heads we had a thoroughly delightful journey. Atlanta, TX is one of those towns that I have been through but never been TO. I halfway remembered there being some sort of structure there for URBEX but since my HP laptop's motherboard fried two months after getting it and the crack staff at Geek Squad have still not been able to obtain a replacement in 9 weeks I really had no idea. Upon entering town from the south I noticed a nice sprawling new school just off the highway and sitting directly across it an older building looking "schoolish" with a shiny fence around it. Mrs. Ulcer and I both needed some water so we skipped the place and found a gas station. While she went inside I noticed across the street a beautiful mural painted on a wall so I grabbed my camera, steadied myself and somehow managed to stumble across 4 lanes of traffic to check it out.
The mural was on a building just behind a rival gas station that must have had either more beer and/or sold meth out of the back as it was much busier. I made it to the parking lot of this place and began to approach the mural when I was almost flattened by a pickup truck at least 3 stories tall with most of that height being tires that I thought were only available to vehicles used in large scale mining operations!
Out of this monstrosity emerged one of the locals who parked directly in front of my object of interest.
"Whatcha' doin'? Takin' pitchers?"
"Yes" I replied. "This mural is beautiful. I love the colors."
"Yep. An old colored fella' painted that a couplea' years back. He's doin' 'nuther un' in <I forgot the name of the town>. 'Taint bad fer bein' painted by a niggra'".
"Yes. It's quite breathtaking. The man has a lot of talent in spite of his melanin content."
This last statement just seemed to confuse him so he thankfully departed without uttering another ignorant syllable. I snapped a couple of shots and headed back to the awaiting Mrs. Ulcer.
DSC_9999 by
John Galt, on Flickr
We drove around town a bit and I have to say in spite of its one inhabitant that I had encountered was a neat little place! The shops were prosperous, the streets clean and well maintained and even the old downtown buildings were all occupied. It should be noted at this point that we had been driving with the top of the car down, figuring that the fresh air would do us some good. The day was getting warm and our tolerance was significantly diminished due to our alcohol soaked bodies so we decided to find a shady spot to rest and put the top up.
We found a beautiful old water oak at the edge of an atrocious strip mall consisting of a Dollar General and the associated low income shops that usually accompany such places. After putting the top back up we just sat. The air conditioner was blasting full and we were both ready to fall asleep in spite of it being only 11:00 in the morning. After about 20 minutes of much needed rest we decided to push on to Jefferson, TX but not before switching drivers. I had again decided to take the back roads and from the map it looked like it had lots of twists and turns - ideal for the roadster.
I need to pause a moment and explain something about Mrs. Ulcer. Of all of the people I have met in my life I have never had the pleasure of having a better travel companion. She is infinitely patient with me stopping to look at some rotting structure on the side of the road, a great conversationalist with a wit that can cut through the thickest armor. Furthermore she plays the role of riding "bitch" with military-like precision. I would swear she is a clairvoyant possessing the ability to anticipate even the slightest whim before one can even utter it. The only downside to her company is that she gets extremely car sick if you drive over a twig or if there is even the slightest bend in the road. This makes her navigating impossible, as if she’s not looking at the road her last meal is soon deposited along the side of the car. It also means that curvy roads with lots of hills (the kind of roads our car was built for and why we bought it!) are pretty much a no go. It was under these circumstances that we decided to switch drivers.
On our way out of town we stopped back at what I thought was the old school (you remember - the one with the shiny new fence). I parked in front in spite of the objections of Mrs. Ulcer to look for an entrance. Getting around the fence was simple. Like most purchasing agents in the world, property owners of neglected real estate are cheap and lazy. The fence only went around the front of the building and stopped just around back where a thick bit of woods began. I walked around the building and found no easy way in (i.e. I couldn’t just walk into the building) so we left.
I chose Jefferson as a destination because I saw it in a book. It was one of the featured items in "1000 Places In The US to See Before You Die". Really? I've lived in Texas for most of my 47 years and have never even heard of the place. What could be so great about Jefferson, TX that it ranks with the Grand Canyon or seeing the leaves change color in New England? In spite of my misgivings the road there looked cool, even if Mrs. Ulcer was driving, and in my physical state I really didn’t care where we went.
The road was an absolute blast! Even wishing for death from my hangover and the contents of god only knows what sloshing around in my stomach the road was amazing! Beautiful trees flashed by as we took blind turns over steep hills at 70 miles an hour! You could feel the car hugging the road like a glove custom made for your hand. They may have lost the war but by God those Krauts sure as hell know how to build an automobile!
Along the way we passed though the small town of Kildare which was quite forgettable except for one thing. I noticed a rather tall building on a hillside just off the highway so we stopped to check it out. Far from being abandoned, it was a massive Masonic Lodge and Baptist church that has been in continuous use since 1878! I had to take some photos! I got out of the car and began praying for death. I felt absolutely awful. In spite of this I managed to snap a few shots of the exterior, check the locks on the front door to confirm that I couldn’t get in and made my way around to the side of the building. At the back was a flight of shaky steel stairs leading to a door on the 2nd floor. I had to try it. I didn’t want to. I REALLY didn’t want to, but I knew I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I didn’t. I took a deep breath, held on to the railing with both hands and made my way up. I managed to get halfway and I had to stop. I was sweating bullets and my mouth began to water. I knew what was coming - there was no stopping it. And sure enough I heaved right there mid-way up to my destination. I wished that I was much higher up so I could have thrown myself off and ended my misery. After recovering, I continued to the top only to confirm what I already knew to be true but hoped that it wasn’t - the door was locked. I snapped a quick photo from my perch atop the building of the small town and slowly made my way back down.
Now I know I'm not the smartest guy in the world but I'm certainly not a complete moron. At least I didn’t think so until I came to the spot where only a few minutes prior I had expelled what looked like a gallon of vegetable soup (that’s odd I haven’t eaten soup in months!). I could have easily simply turned my head to the left or the right with virtually no effort whatsoever. Nope. Yours truly puked right there on the stairs where I now had to somehow walk over/through it. I somehow managed to cross this obstacle with a minimum of last night's dinner adhering to the bottom of my boot and made my way to where Mrs. Ulcer was.
DSC_0005 by
John Galt, on Flickr
DSC_0007 by
John Galt, on Flickr
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John Galt, on Flickr
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John Galt, on Flickr
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John Galt, on Flickr
Mrs. Ulcer had to pee while I was exploring so she found a nice shady spot near the car and, with a wadded up napkin she found in the glove box, dropped trow. After marking her territory, she called me over and what I saw was a real sight. There was a small one lane road going downhill towards the highway we were just on lined in trees. The road looked like it was cut into the hill itself and tree roots clung to the edges for dear life covered in small bright green plants and moss that looked almost florescent. There was a nice breeze coming up the road and the air felt cool and fresh. It was a beautiful and unexpected find.
DSC_0011 by
John Galt, on Flickr
We could have stayed there all day and just enjoyed the beauty of this spot but we had to push on! Down more curvy roads and up and down hills we went as before, racing towards our destination. It was during this time that one of those things happened that I absolutely love about traveling - hearing the words, "what was that?". We had passed by a historical marker, one of dozens which we ignored, but it was a sign NEXT TO the historical marker that caught my eye. We turned around and had to take a look.
DSC_0019 by
John Galt, on Flickr
DSC_0020 by
John Galt, on Flickr
There was a gate next to this sign that was unlocked and a gravel/grass road led off into the distance. We both REALLY wanted to go check this place out but the prospect of having to explain to the mechanic at BMW how we got grass into the turbo dissuaded us so we continued on.
We finally made it into Jefferson and were shocked at the traffic. How could this small town I've never heard of be so full of cars? What the hell is going on in the backwoods place that could attract so many people? Putting this question on the back burner we both agreed that we needed to get some food on our stomachs. Going through the list of places that one would suspect a town like this to possess nothing sounded good until we passed by a local pizza place. Somehow we both agreed that greasy pepperoni with extra cheese was JUST what we needed to feel better. Dear reader I wish that I could tell you what the name of this place was but it’s slipped my memory. I may not be able to recall the name of the restaurant but the memories of that pizza will linger a lifetime! Who would have thought that in a small town like this I would discover some of the best pizza I have ever had! Maybe it was better than I normally would have thought because of my physical state but I can say unequivocally that I have never enjoyed a pizza more than I did that day.
While eating I had an opportunity to observe some of the local inhabitants. The waitress was a skinny youngish blond girl in her late teens - early twenties who was attentive but not intrusive. Seated directly in front of me in the corner was a family that I initially had identified as Mennonites from their simple dress, long, straight hair and full skirts. It seemed strange to see Mennonites in East Texas but what the hell do I know? Just before we left a group of people came in all dressed similarly except one woman was wearing a bright white dress with a hoop underneath. I knew at this point something was up. On the way out, while Mrs. Ulcer paid, I asked the hoop lady what was going on - why was there so much traffic. She stated that it was Jessie Allen Wise Garden Club's 70th Jefferson Historical Pilgrimage like this was somehow supposed to mean something to me. Seeing the blank look on my face she explained that it was an annual event and this was their 70th anniversary commemorating Southern heritage and the Battle of Jefferson. She then walked out with us to her car and handed us some brochures explaining the whole thing.
This little "festival" is actually the largest Civil War reenactment in Texas. The funny thing is there never WAS an actual battle of Jefferson! This "reenactment" is actually a "what if" staged battle to see what would have happened. Given that all but about 12 of the people were dressed in Confederate gear, I imagine it wouldnt have been much of a fight.
We thanked her, promised to return next year and began driving around town. The place was packed! There were thousands of people in this quaint little town that looked like it was designed from the ground up based on a Norman Rockwell painting. After about 10 minutes I understood why it was included in the 1000 places book. Of all the places I have visited this seemed to be the most perfect small town I've seen. I was half expecting George Bailey to come around the corner waving and saying, "Hiya' pal! Welcome to Bedford Falls!". The streets were paved in red brick, all of the building were absolutely beautiful and the houses! Oh my god the houses! I've never seen such stately old buildings so well maintained in all of my life! We both agreed that Jefferson is a place we would live and may even retire in!
It was now mid-afternoon and neither one of us really felt like sitting in the heat, bouncing along in a boat over a swamp/lake infested with mosquitoes and real life extras from the movie Deliverance, so we decided to call it a day and head to our awaiting hotel room in Longview, TX
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