Judging by this and other posts of yours that I've read, I'd would say that you are most definately NOT "stupid". Quite the opposite, actually.

So don't berate yourself.

THD, you aren't stupid. You are probably just going stir crazy. I know I would be going freakin nuts if i was sitting around in one place for days on end with nothing to do and no one to talk to. You dont need to be professionally taught in anything to be good at it. You also are, as I can tell, damn good at painting, and also damn good at photography.

And as far as UE goes, its not about the stupid stars or going to meets. I mean, yeah, meets are awesome. I'm the first person to say it. But its not the thing that makes UE great, or makes a great explorer. Meets are just a nice addition to the whole thing. I should hope that our UER community judges people, if at all, based on knowledge and experience, and the desire to explore. Not whether or not they have a pig star near their name.

So yeah, don't be so hard on yourself. I get where you are coming from, and we've all been there.

Thank you guys (and the people who pm'd me)... *sigh* i think Drie is right on the money. I'm going stir-crazy. When Ed's gone (and he's gone a lot lately, stupid Navy! *shakes fist*) it's just me here, day after day after day. I have a volunteer job, but that's only once a week and so the rest of the week it's just me sitting here by myself with way too much time on my hands to overanalyze my life.
Doh. I realize that the stars in people's profiles are just silly things that don't really mean anything, I didn't mean to sound like I was crying about profile icons. That was not my intention. I was just using that as an example.
So.. anyway.. You all are so nice. Wonderful people. Sorry about my big crybaby journal entry. I've just been upset with myself lately, is all. Very frustrated with myself. I think it's because I always thought that by now I would have made something more of myself.
That said, I am checking into local learning courses for this fall, and I'm seeing what I can find in the vein of art and photography. I should stop whining and feeling sorry for myself, and actually do something.

cheers.

I'd have to say you are alot like me, except that I'm not hot. But it seems that you have high goals which is good. And like me I always need to top the last thing or be the best, second is never quite good enough. And when you reach your goal, you set it ever higher, so it is always unreachable. Which if you look back is alot farther than most have achieved. Having so many interests is my curse and there will never be enough time to fill them all, even if there were 100 hours in a day. I look at it this way, I'm 30 now and by the time I was 20 I did more things in my life than most in a lifetime. Ever since then I could die content with the way I lived my life and what I achieved. I could never be happy with watching TV on the couch all day with a bag of chips and watching my ass dent grow deeper and deeper into the cusions. So chin up buttercup, maybe someday you'll find something you're very good at, even if it is nothing more than being a jack of all trades. At least you know something about most everything.

I think that you cant go wrong with your volunteering, it takes a good person to do something for nothing...Be happy,

"Even now, with UE, I feel inadequate. Exploring abandoned buildings has been something I've loved doing since I was a child, and I was ecstatic to find an entire community of people who enjoyed doing it too. But now I just feel as though I don't measure up. My pictures aren't that great"

Actually, I just checked out your website for the photo galleries, and I found them to be quite artful.

heh, aw.. thanks guys.

seriously, like i said - i'm just a huge dork with too much time to think myself into a depressed ball of anger.

Posted by The Hitman's Daughter heh, aw.. thanks guys.

Ya, I'd say judging by all the replies that you're at least popular.

Myself, I've learned to live with being mediocre at alot of things in life. The people who devote their life to just one hobby/job always seem somewhat unbalanced to me. Theirs a fine line between mastering a subject and becoming obsessed with one. With UE, I've realized that I will never have the time/location/dedication to be the worlds greatest urban explorer. That's disappointing to me, but I didn't get into UE to be #1. I did it because I enjoy it. So I will continue to enjoy exploring, taking pictures, and insulting people (my 3rd talent), even if I can't become the worlds greatest.

drive without an absolute defined goal is nothing to be sniffed at
there are many people I know that have no motivation at all
consider all the people (van gogh for example) that had no formal education

as someone that has gone through the formal education system
I'd like you to know its not all its cracked up to be
I know a chap(only your not a chap) like you who had amazing talent but happens to not have had his muse mishandled by shit for brains university teachers and honestly your outlook is priceless
its not bogged down in art-speak mombo-jumbo
(ah yes I love the tension between the fluid lines and blah blah)

after school I was a mess and just because the teachers thought you had to do thigns one way and that was the only way
3 years later I've almost reversed their mass production/industry standard crap

consider how you might be irreversably altered if someone came up to you and said "that's not how you paint, try this"
hmm. suddenly all your paintings look different and you spend 3 years trying to figure out why

hey, school taught me alot but its not the bees-knees like alot of people think
and you can get those school books,take some life drawing classes and be as focused as any student (and not pay enormous tuition fees)..just make up your own class itinerary, stick to
say studies of german expresionists and how egon scheile used pattern and line expressively in his paintings or some cool class that no university offers
the school of life so much better
and no one cares how many letters you have after your name as long as your portfolio is good and judging from your website, its pretty damn good

I did write that piece.

Well ... I can't paint.

But I feel exactly the same as you do.

I am now in university, and though the whole study is interesting, the grades are not. When I have an exam the next day, and I have to decide between learning some more which might be the difference between pass and fail, and a good talk about the meaning of life, I allways choose the latter.

One lesson I learnt: Don't regret choices you can't change. You'll only grow bitter. Also, try to learn from mistakes (though preferably from other's mistakes)

as we'd say: Kop op, je kan het.

Tijmen

THD - be thankful for the time you get to spend being a little introspective. Sometimes when life gets hectic and stress levels start peaking - you'll wish you had the time to just laze back awhile and spend some alone time with your thoughts.

I always seem busy these days, going here/going there - doing one thing or another. I rarely have time to just sit down quietly and reflect on stuff, and I rather miss that. My thoughts end up rather disjointed throughout the day, snippets of crap that don't seem to mean much...and end up gettin' flushed outta my brain by day's end. I used to enjoy keeping journal files years ago, which I habitually wrote in often (I found writing cathartic and helpful for eliminating depression). But I never seem to find the time for writing much these days. In fact, the posts I've made here to UER has been the most writing I've done in a long while.

From what I've seen of your work over the past while, you've got a helluv an artistic talent and unique perspective on things. I think self-doubt is inherent with all artistically-inclined people. As for photography, my best advice is put a mental list together of people who's images you like best, figure out what it is you like about their work...and then work towards emulating the best aspects of it while incorporating your own artistic visions and flair. Experimentation is always the key - and from what I can tell (although I'm no expert) - you've got a knack for avoiding cookie-cutter images and always trying something unique and different. That's something that can't be taught - you either have it - or don't.

Nuture that.

Just down the road aways you'll catch yourself havin' a really great time where everything is just 'clicking' the way it should and you'll look back on this journal entry and say, "Geez....what was I thinkin'?"


Silent Knight

I think it's awesome to be self-taught at things. I believe, especially for music, that professional training can actually be a hindrance. Sometimes people who went to fancy art colleges and the like get so bogged down in theory and how they were taught to do things that the spirit of the art comes second to the theory... ok, that came out kinda dumb, but I'm sure you can figure out what I mean. When you feel inadequate to people with all the training in the world, just think of all the mad ca$h you saved!

Gee i should show you the stick figures i draw when i get all "artsy". I have a pal that paints and draws fabulously, he draws better than me stoned and drunk out of his mind mumbling at 5 in the morning than i ever will. I have a word for his talent and yours, its Gifted. I wish i had a tenth of the talent you have so i could make turtles of doomsday stick figures, but i cant. Yeah, go out there and do something because once depression takes hold, its hard to shake off. I know because i read alot of news and US foreign policy and i feel turtle of doomsday-y... I read so much of the stuff that i had to stop and take a step back because i was overanalyzing everything and forgot about havin a good time while theres still air in my lungs. It doesnt mean forgetting about why i was in such a sinister mood not so long ago, just not letting take over and fuck everything up.

Just felt like saying that, relevant or not, you decide.