Monday June 14, 2004

I spent most of the night putting together models and playing Counter-Strike... OMFGz0rz, what a h4x0r. Anyway, after losing a fair bit and considering it was 5:34AM.. I called it a night. I wake up again shortly after 8AM and my mom wants me to get up and get to school. I tell her to fuck off, I've only had 3 hours of sleep. Ok, I have more respect than that but I didn't hop down and throw on my backpack either. Basically I came down in my pajamas and pretended my stomach was hurting... which it was sort of. She bought that and back to bed until 4:30PM.

I wake up and notice I wasted a whole fucking day... meh, its a good schedule for UE anyway. Wake up, watch some TV and the news comes on soon. There was a fire at someplace down by the CN tracks, on Wellington. SHIT, Stelco! I freaked out about it to my mom for awhile, she freaked out about me being in there only days before that happened and I came up to the computer. Checked here on UER and sure enough, it was Stelco. FUCKING KIDS. I really loved that building, I've never been in such a huge, abandoned and dangerous place in my life. Lister Block and the dance club are nothing compared to this place. GO! Look at the galleries now... the boys from Toronto, manitou and Silent Knight captured it so well. Its so fucking beautiful... so much.. stuff. I feel the urge to punch something... but I won't, that would be un-civil... yes.

Anyway, theres a severe thunderstorm headed here... I can hear the thunder now. I've always loved thunderstorms, ever since I was very small. They interest me, I love their destructive yet interesting nature... just like I love Tornadoes. I've never seen a Tornado although some part of me wishes I will, some part doesn't. Thats probably my good side and my bad side. Anyway, I wish I had a camera. This one is gonna be really good, I wanna show you guys some nice lightning pictures.... I bet I could get some good ones.

Anyway, the day hasn't quite ended yet, maybe I'll edit some more into this later... yah I know, don't use the modify or it won't show up as new from the main page. Well my take is, if anyone is interested, they'll check back later anyway. Thats all for now, as of 6:45PM.

Alright I decided to add a post, cause I'm spontaneus like that. Anyway, I've been thinking about my best friend who is in jail. He really digs UE... we did alot of trips, including The Grand Hermine after its untimely demise, Lister Block and Gold's Gym. He is not in jail for UE related reasons either... and no it concerns nothing of abuse or anything else that would make him sound like an asshole. He lied to get a friend out of jail and now he is in there himself. Ok, maybe that does make him sound dis-honest but hes the kind of guy you need to meet... hes really cool.

I hope he gets out soon, he was supposed to get out before the summer started so we could go to OPEX'94 but that fell through. Its the main reason I didn't go, I just didn't want to live in Toronto, by myself, for a couple of days. That, and I didn't have the money or transportation which he would of provided.

Its like 5AM right now and I am *supposed* to go to school tomorrow. I don't go much anymore, I feel like I'm a failure in life. I just sit here, wasting away my hideous excuse for a life. Nothing exciting ever happens because I won't go out and get it. I have no job, I'm getting nowhere in school and I have no opposite sex relations. I just sit here, day after day... waiting until my own un-timely demise. I like that phrase. The reason I enjoy UEing is because it makes me think I'm actually accomplishing something, am I? Probably not. I have a total of 8 high school credits after 3 years of high school. I'm destined to be there until I'm 65... maybe they'll give me a pension. My problem is that I can't seem to focus on school, it just seems like theres so much more in life to do. When I wake up in the morning, all I can think about is sitting at my computer, relaxing with a cold pepsi and talking with the various people I talk to online. What a fucking life. I'm sure many of you have had better experiences.

Yah I know, I have to get school done. I fucking know. Its like trying to tell a mentally challenged kid to "be normal". I can't fucking do it. When I'm at school, my focus drifts away onto other things like "I can't wait to get home and use the computer" or "I can't wait to do some UE this week" or "I can't wait to leave this fucking place". No matter how hard I try, within two months from the start of the year, I will lose interest. Nothing is keeping me focussed. I've tried dropping out and going back... that hasn't worked. It got me pepped up and focussed for awhile but once again, other things took precedence. Now, why am I complaining about my personal issues to random people on the internet? Cause nobody else will listen or understand. My mom will tell me to fuck off and go to school, my dad is just un-talkable and I have no other relatives at reach. I fucking rock. I'm like a psycho or something, I don't even know. Ok now I'm tired, I think I'm going to sleep, then decide what to do with the next 24 hours of my life... I'm sure it will be another decision that I regret.

Saturday June 19, 2004

Its midnight. I've had a weird day. I went to school today to clear out my locker and get an exam done. I asked my teacher if doing the exam would actually get me two credits, of course he said no. I had been expecting that. On top of that the Vice Principal said to not expect attending there in the fall. You know what I say? FUCK YOU. You know what I do after I leave? Punch myself in the fucking gut because I'M THE REASON I FUCKED UP. I go back to the VP's office, apologize and leave on good terms. That felt better.

Alright, now I've got a whole summer to waste. The bus ride home was rather nice, I felt like a large 100lb weight had been lifted as I cruised through industrial Hamilton, listening to System of a Down. Music is fun. I thought moreso about what is going to happen this summer. Will I be working? Will I be slacking? Will I have a relationship? Will I be exploring all the time? My estimate is a little of all, but more of work. If I can get down a good $8/hour job, I can probably get some saved up, get a car/license and focus on some alternative education. I think thats what I need before I can do education... income. I don't care if it means a fucking McJob. Its work and its money, I don't care what the fuck it looks like.

I feel like such a whore. I made a Face The Jury account. I must be desperate. Sigh.. I am a whore, I'm campaigning myself for the attention of women... FTJ gets you the wrong attention though, the kind of woman I am looking for probably would never glance at a site like that. I guess its cause I'm too shy to go out and look in real life, she just has to fall into my lap. Like thats going to fucking happen. I've had many chances and many have gone by. I bet its cause I'm not very socially appealing. You guys have seen my picture, come on. I ain't no prize pig or anything and my interests are definetely "ecentric" at best.

Anyway I'm kind of tired but I won't sleep. I watched Joy Luck Club again yesterday. I love that movie, people call me gay because of it. I call them a cock trout. There is a line from it, where Auntie YinYang or whatever her name is, she is in her daughter's room... her daughter and new husband are arguing over their "equal" relationship. She says "She comes up the stairs to find me, she hears me calling even though I say nothing". "I am standing by, ready to pounce like a tiger". She says to her daughter "Is this what you want?" "Because if it isn't, you must give him NO doubt at all". "You must leave this house and not come back until he gives you what you want with OPEN HANDS". I like that line, I kind of butchered it because I can't remember it word for word but thats the general theme. You have to know what you want in life, you need to go get it. If you don't get it, you will be pushed around.

I'm gonna go get it now.

June 1... oh you know what it is.

Anyway yah. I've been reading over many of the different entries here. Interesting indeed. I just had a shower and I cut myself shaving, I bleed alot. Me and the Hamilton guys did The Lofts and St. Deny's on Sunday night. Boy that was fun. Best UE'ing I've done in a pretty long time, indeed.

Erm yah. I don't really feel like writing anymore at the moment. I've got to go do some grocery shopping but I'll be back, I'll write some more later tonight.

BTW, why wasn't I able to name the title of my journal thread? It just defaulted to "Sugarton Matt Smooth's Journal"... that bites.