Mr. & Mrs. Ulcer Do The Ozarks - Episode 1 - "Whats That Smell?" - Thread

A man and a woman step onto an empty elevator together. A few moments later the man say, “Excuse me ma’am do your feet stink?” Deeply offended, the woman exclaims, “Why certainly not!”. The man shrugs and says, “Oh. Must be your twat then.”

They say that every journey begins with the first step. Well, “They” were wrong. Every journey begins with an assload of planning. This particular journey began with the idea that we would be going to Oklahoma. If you want to see how that went check out this post I did last week.

http://www.uer.ca/...urrpage=1&pp#post2

So, after spending hours of planning routes, sights, lodging and dining options all until the wee hours of the night, I had to do it all over again. This time on a major time crunch. Then there was the ex-Mrs. Ulcer to deal with. Never mind that I wanted to shave her usual drive time from six and a half hours down to an 35 minutes to pick up our son (the six and a half hours doesn’t include her usual stops at every flea market, yard sale and junk yard along the way to find that oh so perfect sheet metal chicken that will just set off the entire kitchen!). She had to make even this small gesture into an ordeal. Where, when how and why all had to be answered in excruciating detail with explanations and compromises that made the treaty of Versailles look like child’s play!

After getting that all settled there was still the matter of getting all of the pieces into place as to where we would stay, when, for how long, and what we would see. NASA has done less planning for moon missions than went into this endeavor. Finally, everything was in place. I took off an hour early from work on Friday to get a jump start on our journey. Who else would think to go out of town on a Friday before a 4-day weekend right? Well I for one can say that at least half the city of Houston decided to leave at the exact moment I exited my driveway and to take the same route I had adopted. Our normal three-and-a-half-hour drive took us 5 hours and we arrived in Marshall, TX at 10:00. Now our delay cannot be entirely blamed on the traffic. Between the every half hour stops for Mrs. Ulcer to pee (in spite of my suggestion that the 44oz unsweet tea may not be a good idea) and my son’s instantiable, almost pornographic, desire for Whataburger we had to have added at least 45 unnecessary minutes to our trip.

Nevertheless, we arrived, completely shagged after working a full day and a moderately long drive. As soon as our heads hit the pillow we were out. Morning arrived and we gathered up what can only be described as the contents of a small city, re-loaded the SUV and hit the road by 7:00 for our meeting with the wicked witch of the north at 9:00. Our destination was the LaQuinta in Texarkana. This place was picked not by me but by the ex. My inquiries as to WHICH ONE went unanswered for 2 days (there were 2 directly across the freeway from each other – one in Texas the other in Arkansas). The time of our departure was met with extreme protest from both my son and Mrs. Ulcer who insisted that it only took an hour to get there and it was senseless to leave at such a god-awful hour. Unlike most of my arguments, I won this one and our departure time was within 10 seconds of my plan.

After stopping for gas, then breakfast (yes at Whataburger again) were making good time even with Mrs. Ulcer driving. I was assigned my usual task of navigating as Mrs. Ulcer could get car sick on a drag strip. Everything was going great until I found myself uttering the words, “What was that?” and forcing Mrs. Ulcer to turn around under threat of divorce if she refused (why she never took this opportunity to be rid of me I’ll never know and she will no doubt forever regret). We found a turn-around about a mile down the road and made our way back, pulling into a gravel driveway that also served as a makeshift parking lot for a junk yard. I could tell immediately that the ex-Mrs. Ulcer had been here dozens of times from the giant claw marks in the nearby trees denoting her territory.

I emerged from the car, camera in hand and approached the shell of an old building quickly being consumed by the East Texas forest. Nearby was something that could vaguely be described as a dwelling of some sort which may or may not have something resembling a human living inside. Feeling that whatever may be in there probably wouldn’t appreciate me trampling over their accumulated treasures of car parts, broken kids’ toys, shattered liquor bottles and trash bags I quickly took some exterior shots and headed back to the car.

DSC_0170 by John Galt, on Flickr

DSC_0168 by John Galt, on Flickr

A few more can be found here:
https://www.flickr.../72157683106256713

We were off again and back on track. When we arrived, it was discovered that BOTH LaQuinta’s had changed management and hotel names. Thankfully we were 15 minutes early and a quick call to the ex by my son arranged a meeting at a gas station on the Arkansas side (heaven forbid she actually cross the freeway to make my life even one iota easier…). Naturally she was late by 10 minutes but I was understanding. After all, who could POSSIBLY be expected to be on time having to journey all of 35 minutes? The seemingly endless stream of variables facing such a tortuously protracted trip is mind boggling…

After saying goodbye to Monkey Boy it was now just Mrs. Ulcer and I. We were both sad to see him go but also excited to begin our discoveries together. We headed north up I-30 towards Little Rock where we had a stop planned to see something “pretty”. About 30 minutes later Mrs. Ulcer said, “Ya know… There are some weird smells up here”. And she was right! I had been thinking the same thing myself but wrote it off to the stewing digestion of the previous evenings meal coursing its way through the bowels of Mrs. Ulcer. Arkansas really DID stink! It isn’t something that can’t accurately be conveyed in words but really has to be experienced. The closest I can get is to say that it’s something akin to a combination of rotting chicken and sweaty ass.

After an hour on the interstate, neither one of us could stand it any longer. It was flat, full of traffic and about as enjoyable as a rectal exam. I pulled up a map and told Mrs. Ulcer to get off the interstate and take Highway 67 towards someplace called “Gurdon”. The road seemed to parallel the one we were on and was no doubt not as fast but couldn’t be any duller. This turned out to be one of the best ideas I had all day!

We exited state road 53 and headed a bit out of our way southeast where the tour of stench continued. This time it’s source was from the Georgia Pacific lumber company where the smell at least had a minty pine flavor to it! Along the way I found an old gas station/grocery store and stopped to snap a few photos. The neighbors across the street seeing a vehicle that WASN’T a pickup truck and was painted entirely the same color seemed a bit too interested in my activities, so once again I didn’t journey inside. I don’t think I was missing much as everything I saw through the windows was mostly just somebody’s junk that they threw in there no doubt because their front yard was full of other “collectables”.

DSC_0171 by John Galt, on Flickr

DSC_0174 by John Galt, on Flickr

We shortly reached the outskirts of Gurdon where a quick map check revealed that this was the very place that the internationally renowned “Gurdon Light” resided. Here’s what Wikipedia has to say about the phenomenon:

According to folklore, the light originates from a lantern of a railroad worker who was killed when he fell into the path of a train. The legend states that the man's head was separated from his body and was never found, and that the light that people see comes from his lantern as he searches for it. In another variation, the light is a lantern carried by railway foreman William McClain, who was killed in the vicinity during a confrontation with one of his workers in 1931.

As it was now about 10:00 in the morning and we both lamented that we would not be able to check out this phenomenon ourselves so we continued on towards Arkadelphia, a town I HAD to see just because of it’s silly name. Just outside Gurdon I had another one of those “Wait! Turn around!” moments that Mrs. Ulcer just LOVES to hear. She patiently looked for a safe spot to pull into and did a U-turn for me to go look at something rotting and crumbling. As luck would have it I spotted an old motel!

DSC_0177 by John Galt, on Flickr

DSC_0179 by John Galt, on Flickr

DSC_0184 by John Galt, on Flickr

More photos of the place are here:
https://www.flickr.../72157683108302113

Once again, we were on our way towards Arkadelphia, a place I had marked on my map as a ghost town. When we arrived, I discovered it was nothing of the sort! What I found was a nice, reasonably well maintained small southern city. The roads were in good condition, the stores were not shining and new but they weren’t run down either. It had its fair share of old poor condition structures but overall, I was pleasantly surprised at its prosperity! We drove around for a few minutes looking for a gas station for Mrs. Ulcer to pee and I spied an old boarded up church. I had Mrs. Ulcer drop me off so she could go drop trow…

I was deposited directly across the street from my object of desire and was greeted by one of the locals who saw my camera and approached me. The following conversation then took place. “Howdy! Lookin at tha’ church?”. I replied, “Yeah I am. Have you been inside?”. “Naaaa. Tha’ place was bought by some old lady who put a new roof on it a few years ago but nobody goes in thare. It usta’ be the first First Baptist Church in town.” Ignoring the urge to ask if another church in town had discovered time travel and supplanted the building in that role I asked, “It looks boarded up do you know any way in?” “No but if you find a way in lemmie know, I’d love to see tha’ place!”.

Feeling that I had at least one ally on my side I approached the building and began looking for a way in. I walked around it and only found a single loose board that I was certain with a bit of yanking I could have ripped out a few nails and gained entry. Even though I’m an atheist, I had too much respect for others beliefs to damage the property so I settled for some external shots instead.

DSC_0190 by John Galt, on Flickr

DSC_0194 by John Galt, on Flickr

A few minutes later Mrs. Ulcer showed up and we continued on to our first planned stop in Little Rock – The Old Mill. I have to admit that I really wasn’t looking forward to seeing this place but Mrs. Ulcer had been incredibly patient while I wandered around taking pictures of musty old buildings so I owed her this in the least. When we arrived, I was actually quite taken by the place!

The place was made to look like a mill from the 1800’s but was actually built in 1933 and appears in the opening scene of Gone with The Wind. It is thought to be the only remaining building from the movie! A park has arisen from the area and it was absolutely gorgeous! The sound of birds singing surrounded us as we walked the paved paths through well maintained gardens full of blooming flowers. The trickle of the water wheel was a constant relaxing element that added a great deal to the charm of the place. The only down side were all of the inconsiderate other people trying to take selfies on their crappy camera phones to show Aunt Jennie that they actually lead interesting lives. These people were a constant nuisance as I attempted to line up my shot. My annoyance at their presence was voiced loudly on several occasions to Mrs. Ulcer who slinked away in embarrassment and who would chastise me with an iron grip on my arm for my rudeness. Frankly I didn’t care. I was there to capture the moment and these rubes were in my way!

DSC_0196 by John Galt, on Flickr

DSC_0203 by John Galt, on Flickr

More photos of the Mill can be found on my Flickr here:
https://www.flickr.../with/34912576503/

Perhaps my foul temper was amplified by my now empty stomach so we decided to look for a place to eat. A handy tip for anyone who travels is to check out TripAdvisor for dining options. I have eaten in hundreds of places upon its recommendation and never been unsatisfied. I turned to this sure fire tool on this occasion and found a place called David’s Burgers. When we arrived, we approached the counter and discovered a pretty simple menu. After ordering we sat down and waited when a waitress approached us with a giant silver bowl and a set of tongs. She reached into the bowl and pulled out a heaping pile of hot French fries just out of the fryer. These were perfectly cooked and coated with their own house blend of seasonings. They were amazing! A few minutes later our burgers arrived with even more of these tasty morsels. Everything came out just right except they forgot to put mayo on Mrs. Ulcer’s burger but it was quickly rectified. The atmosphere was a 1950’s cliché burger/diner vibe, a bit cheesy but it was clean, shiny and bright. If you’re ever in Little Rock and want a good burger I would head there.

It was now well after 1:00 and we had to get to Fayetteville. Somehow, we managed to stumble our way to the car in delightful misery from our gluttony and hit the road again. After some “discussion” it was decided that our next destination was a place in the middle of nowhere I had on my map called “Booger Hollow”. My defense of this decision was: 1. When would ever be in the area again and 2. It’s called Booger Hollow! It’s gotta be good! Being a good sport Mrs. Ulcer agreed when she saw that the route would take us through a national forest so off we went.

As a necessary evil, we had to get back on the interstate for a while but eventually made it to Russellville where we took 27 north towards Dover. Once there we could have proceeded directly to Boogerville along Highway 7 but instead we opted for some adventure! Instead we went northeast on 27 until we found ourselves on a “road” in the Ozark National Forest called Granny Gap Road 2. Now I’m being extremely generous to call this a road. It was really no more than a gravel path wide enough for one vehicle and a sheer drop off of hundreds of feet on one side. Thankfully there were plenty of trees to slow our descent should this have occurred.

As soon as we entered the park there came a steady stream of “Oh my god!” coming from Mrs. Ulcer. If someone had been listening it would have sounded like a bad porno film! We were finally into the foothills of the Ozarks and the views were spectacular! As far as the eye could see was an endless stream of deciduous and hardwood trees covering hills in every direction. Of course I was told to stop and take a picture at every opportunity. When I pointed out that nature was getting in the way of my nature shots (there were trees blocking the view) I was instructed to take the photo anyway. If you’re interested I have about 50 shots of trees in front of trees. If you squint just right you can see some hills in the background….

I have no idea where we were but we came to a clearing and a somewhat more level terrain when I spied something really weird. I made Mrs. Ulcer stop and turn around so I could take a look.

DSC_0231 by John Galt, on Flickr

Don’t ask me…It’s Arkansas! I don’t know if the builder was just a bad carpenter or this was intentional but I can say that I’ve never seen anything like it before!

Before long (and dozens of more photos of hills) we were back into the thick woods when again I saw a structure that caused us to stop and turn around. It was my first abandoned log cabin!

DSC_0234 by John Galt, on Flickr

DSC_0236 by John Galt, on Flickr

DSC_0238 by John Galt, on Flickr

DSC_0239 by John Galt, on Flickr

As far as explores goes it wasn’t exactly up there with a power plant but I still enjoyed wandering around the small building by the side of the road wondering about its history, the people who lived there and why it was now in such a sad condition. My lamatations were short lived as there was more stuff to see!

We eventually made it to Booger Hollow and I gotta say I was pretty disappointed. Getting to the place was amazing. We traveled through some of the most beautiful country I had ever seen but upon arrival at our destination all I could say was, “Is this it?” Mrs. Ulcer was equally annoyed that we had traveled hours out of our way to see a few rotting structures sitting behind a new barbed wire fence that were obviously the remains of some failed tourist attraction. It didn’t help that she had to pee again….

I hopped the fence and snapped some pics since we were there.

DSC_0243 by John Galt, on Flickr

DSC_0245 by John Galt, on Flickr

DSC_0247 by John Galt, on Flickr

DSC_0249 by John Galt, on Flickr

DSC_0250 by John Galt, on Flickr

When I got back to the car Mrs. Ulcer remarked upon my expert fence hopping skills then said, “I’ve REALLY gotta pee!”. As soon as we were in the car I began to buckle my seat belt and was thrown back as she rocketed out of the parking area, throwing up gravel and leaving massive ruts in her attempts to get back onto the road. About half a mile later we were pulling off onto another Granny Gap type road so she could mark her territory.

It was at this point Mrs. Ulcer made 2 very big mistakes. 1. She had exceeded my piss break tolerance threshold and 2. She decided to pee right next to my door. As she grabbed the toilet paper from the back seat I grabbed my camera. As soon as she squatted I held the camera out of the window and began snapping away in spite of her extreme protests. I tried to console her with, “It’s ok baby nobody is going to see these. It’s just for me”. So, with that said here’s a shot of her pissing on the side of the road:

DSC_0258 by John Galt, on Flickr

After this little episode, our journey continued through winding roads and over beautiful hills. We both lamented that we didn’t bring the roadster but we had enough gear for a mid-sized African village so we really didn’t have a choice (well that and Monkey Boy would have had to sit on Mrs. Ulcer’s lap on the way up…). We were now in chicken country. I just want to say before I continue that I love chicken. We eat it several times a week. It’s a delicious addition to our diet and the abundance of preparation options is seemingly endless. With that being said, there is nothing more rancid smelling than chicken houses. Every mile or so we seemed to encounter acres upon acres of long buildings emitting a smell that would knock a buzzard off a shit wagon. “OMG what’s that smell” seemed to be uttered almost every instance as we drove through country God himself carved out but man marred with the stench of poultry shit.

Our protests were finally answered by yet another unexpected find. A large wooden red building that I had initially thought may have been an old C.C.C. office covered in “No Trespassing” signs. They may as well have placed a billboard on the side of the road reading, “Hey Peptic! Come on in and check this shit out!”

I grabbed my camera and made my way in. We’ve all be in places that had that creepy Friday the 13th vibe to it and this one was no different. Something didn’t seem right about this place but I ventured on anyway. As it turned out the whole thing was really pretty mundane. It looked like an old general store with living quarters on the 2nd floor that was accessed by a ladder that was as close to vertical as anything can get. The most interesting feature was a door immediately to the left of the ladder on the 2nd floor that emerged onto the roof of what I can only assume was an area used to smoke meats (or tourists…). It abutted the mountain behind it making it a sort of “ground floor” in a sense.

DSC_0269 by John Galt, on Flickr

DSC_0270 by John Galt, on Flickr

DSC_0272 by John Galt, on Flickr

DSC_0274 by John Galt, on Flickr

When I got back to the car, Mrs. Ulcers Urbex threshold had been reached. No more stopping. It was now well into the afternoon and we still had over 2 hours to go before we reached Fayetteville. I agreed and we continued on.

Not long after we finally got a chance to see through the trees at a scenic overlook. We got out and under the guidance and instruction of Mrs. Ulcer took about 3 SD cards worth of photos of the same landscape from microscopically different angles. There was a guy there taking pictures with his cell phone so I asked him if he wouldn’t mind getting a shot of the Mrs. and I. When I handed him my camera he looked like chimp grasping a Texas Instruments engineering calculator. I briefly explained to him how to use it and then seeing that he wasn’t holding it straight nor getting the right angle I instructed him on where to stand and where to point. After what seemed like an hour he finally got off a shot that I managed to edit into at least a half-assed nice pic:

DSC_0283 by John Galt, on Flickr

Now racing towards our destination we entered a town called Deer, Arkansas. In case you’re wondering where that is, for point of reference it’s just down the road from Nail, Arkansas…. As we got to the outskirts of this megalopolis we saw a sign for Alum Natural Bridge Cove which indicated it was only 3 miles away. Still full of that adventurous spirit, we decided to go take a look.

When we pulled into the parking area there was only one other car and 4 sweaty guys had just emerged from a nearby path. We stopped and asked about the site, how far away it was and how long it took. They said it was an easy hike, well worth it and should only take about an hour. What the hell? We’ve been in the car all day and our legs could use a stretch. I grabbed my camera bag, threw in a couple of waters and we began our hike to see something that may or may not suck.

15 minutes later we were both sitting down, drenched in sweat and wondering what the hell we were doing. Obviously, this site was not meant to be seen by overweight, middle aged smokers. Thinking it couldn’t be much further we trudged on down a seeming endless series of switchbacks which thankfully had a bench at the termination of each one. About 20 minutes later we finally reached our destination. I cannot explain the awe that this place inspired in us. It truly is one of the most spectacular and beautiful places I have ever seen.

A large span of sedimentary rock stood over us dripping ice cold water down a nearby ravine. There was a large fissure between the bridge and the surrounding hillside that was covered in moss and ferns. We were alone and the only sounds were those of falling water and chirping birds. The temperature dropped at least 20 degrees and we were quickly cooled down after our arduous hike. We savored every moment enjoying the most beautiful site either of us has ever encountered. Here are a few photos but I encourage you to check out the full album but more so to visit this place yourself:

DSC_0286 by John Galt, on Flickr

DSC_0290 by John Galt, on Flickr

DSC_0298 by John Galt, on Flickr

DSC_0306 by John Galt, on Flickr

DSC_0307 by John Galt, on Flickr

After regaining our legs, we continued on through the remaining 2.5 miles of trails of the park. Most of the sites were closed off due to White Nose Disease affecting the bats but aside from it almost killing both of us (I’m not kidding – I seriously thought I my heart was going to explode then and there) it was well worth the pain. When we got to the car both of us were soaking wet from sweat and ready for a shower and a bed.

Unfortunately, Arkansas would not be so kind to us. As we made our way to highway 412 which would take us into Fayetteville we crossed a stream that I HAD to take a photo of. It was too beautiful to pass by.

DSC_0313 by John Galt, on Flickr

We were now officially done with sightseeing. As tired as we were, if we had driven into Eden itself we weren’t stopping. Except of course for Mrs. Ulcer to pee – which she did twice over the next two hours…

We finally arrived in Fayetteville at 9:00 after having driven for 14 hours. Had we taken the interstate it would have been a mere 6 but we wouldn’t have seen some of the most breathtaking places Mother Nature has given us. I can only imagine what the clerk behind the desk thought of us as our mountain of gear was piled atop a cart and we no doubt looked like we had just emerged from a war zone.

When we got back to our room we stripped down, put our clothes into a trash bag and realized the answer to the earlier question. “What was that smell?” Well I can tell you, it was US!!!